Trying to not forget...

I knew Bryan better than I know myself. I could tell when he was upset... I could tell when he was hiding something... I could tell when he was stressed... and I could tell when he was anxious. Not only could I read his emotions just by looking at him, but I also knew every inch of his body (graphic I know...). I am worried that over time I will begin to forget "him". When I close my eyes I can picture him... his face... his hands... his feet... his smile. So, not only for myself... but for Owen as well... I am going to make a list of the things that remind me of Bryan so that WE never forget.


• Bryan had the most beautiful sky blue eyes. Every time he smiled he would get little wrinkles on either side of his eyes... Even on some of my worst days, if Bryan would crack a joke and smile at me... I would melt and all of my troubles would seem to fade away.

• Bryan had a little mole on the right side of his upper lip, something that I looked at every time I kissed him while he was asleep. I remember when I would kiss Bryan I would always have to stand on my tip-toes. Bryan was a whole foot taller than me so I always had to wrap my hands around his waist and stand on my toes to reach his beautiful lips. Oh how I miss that... I think some of my favorite memories with Bryan are when we would just slow dance (me on my tip-toes of course) and kiss. We slow danced everywhere... in the kitchen while cooking... in the morning in our pj's... at night before we went to bed... and the grocery store when Bryan would beg me to let him get Oreo's... and outside while we were out walking our dog.


• Looking at pictures of Bryan, you can tell that he had the most beautiful hair. Whether he wore it long or short... it was always thick and flowing. Bry had a scar on the top of his head, where he needed stitches, when he was little from hitting his head on the monkey bars. He also had a silly colic on the back of his neck on the right hand side... He was always so frustrated when he would get a hair cut and it would swirl in all different directions. On nights when I could not fall asleep I would always play with Bry's hair and twirl it in my fingers. It was so comforting and soothing to me... and to him too.

• Bryan had a birth mark on his upper left arm (close to his shoulder). It was just a small circular one. He also had a white mark in the middle of his upper back... a scar that he got from shingles when he was a little boy. Every summer... whether he used sun screen or not... it would burn and turn bright pink. I always teased him and told him that he had a beauty mark.


• When I close my eyes and try to remember holding Bryan's hands... I feel so at peace. Our hands always fit perfectly together. Bryan and I always joked that we were made for each other. Our bodies always fit just right together. Bryan had the softest hands. Although they were super strong from fishing and hunting they were slim enough where my tiny fingers could fit easily in his grip. We always held hands... when we walked... when we drove... when we sat on the couch... when we did homework. Whenever we would hold hands in public I would always hold on to Bryan's pinkie. He always thought that was so funny.


• Anyone that knows Bryan, knows that he had the most unique feet... Because he danced for most of his life, Bryan had very high arches. I hate feet... they freak me out, but I loved Bryan's. I always called Bryan monkey because he used his feet like hands (just like a monkey would). I remember one night when we were laying on the couch and he couldn't reach the remote, he grabbed it with his toes, flipped it in the air and caught it in his hands. Just crazy.

• Bryan had incredibly long legs.... super high hips... and ridiculously long arms. Finding clothes for him was nearly impossible and took for ever. It would literally take him hours to try on clothes and do the "wallet" test. He was one picky shopper.

• Most of all... more than anything though, I miss Bryan's sense of humor. I miss his goofy faces and random dance moves. I miss the way we fought. When we would get into arguments he would get down on all fours and run around the house like a gorilla... banging on his chest and making monkey noises... how could I stay mad at that? I miss his grouchy face in the mornings when he would eat cereal in front of the TV in his polka dot boxers... I miss his girly laugh... his high pitch squeal when I would tickle him... the loud noise he would make when he would blow his nose... the excitement he would get when hunting would come on TV... most of all...
I MISS HIM!

I close my eyes numerous times throughout the day and try to picture Bryan. I try to imagine us cuddling in bed and holding hands on the couch... but each day it gets harder and harder to do. I am terrified that in time I will forget him.... I will forget his smell... his smile... his presence... his laugh. Although I see pieces of him in my son, it just is not the same. So.... I hope that in writing some of these things down, I will not be allowed to forget.