Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Patience... easier said than done

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
- Rainer Maria Rilke


Patience has never been something that I have been good at... nor something that I thought would become such an important piece of my life.

I always want to know the answers NOW... I always want to go run my errands NOW... I always want to eat something NOW... I always want to know why and when everything is going to happen for me right NOW.

Since Bryan passed away, I have been forced to become a more patient person. I have been forced to become a single parent and raise my child alone. I have been left alone wondering why this happened to me, without any answers or legitimate reasons... I have been forced to be patient and wait for the answers to (possibly) come to me at a later time.

Owen has taught me many things... but the most important thing that he has taught me is patience. When he stands in the living room and screams "mama" at the top of his lungs over and over and over again, I am forced to take a deep breath... count to ten... and respond patiently. "What Owey?"

Over the past year and a half I have been forced to stand on my own two feet... become independent... and face obstacles that I did not think I would ever have to face.

Although I want the answers now...

Why did Bryan have to die?
Why do Owen and I have to battle with health insurance and bills?
Why is life so difficult... Why isn't it fair?

I have been able to put aside my worries and my concerns and become more patient. I no longer search for the answers. Instead, I am working on being the best possible version of me. I am working on finding the positive things in my life. I am working on living my life to its fullest... because I think that that is the best way that I can honor Bryan. That I can keep his memory alive.

I can keep Bryan's memory alive by becoming an amazing person... a great mother... a good friend... an inspiration. I can honor him by being true to myself... by patiently awaiting the many answers that I so desperately want and need.

Although having patience is easier said than done... I am working hard on living my life day to day and appreciating the many amazing things that I do have.