Saturday, November 21, 2009


Owen turned 8 months old on Thursday and for his big birthday, he decided that he was going to crawl with his belly off of the ground and pull himself up onto the couch. I am now officially a very busy mommy. Owen does not just crawl to his toys, he crawls all over the house. His favorite thing is to tear up all of grandma's magazines, so he heads over to her magazine shelf as soon as I set him down on the floor. Goodbye to the days where I could just set him down on the floor and clean my room and do laundry. Goodbye to the days where I could get ready in the morning while he watched Barney with Penny. Goodbye to the days where I could run to the bathroom quick while he looked at his books.

Bryan always talked about how he could not wait to see Owen crawl and walk. I think he was most excited to teach him how to hunt, fish, and play sports... all of which he had to wait to do till he was mobile. It is hard to watch Owen grow and overcome all of these big milestones without Bryan here with us. When I am sad, I just have to remind myself that he is with us and he is with Owen, guiding his every move and step. I am reminded that Owen has his daddy whispering in his ear whenever I ask Owen to say mama... because he always responds with "dada". I know that is Bryan's doing.

Owen not only decided to crawl and balance on furniture this week, but last night at 10:00 he decided to crawl up the stairs. It was not like he had to make a few attempts either. He literally crawled over to the stairs and went up. I know that Bryan would be so proud of his little man.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

My Little Monkey

I am so lucky to have such an amazing little boy.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Children Are Amazing

Ever since Bryan passed away I have been praying that he would come to me in some way, shape or form and let me know that he was okay and happy. Whenever I have dreams about him, he is still alive and with Owen and me.... living a normal life. I thought for sure that he would appear to me as a butterfly or something else symbolic in our lives (I have a butterfly tattoo on my back that Bryan drew for me when we were 18) but he hasn't.

Today, at my little cousins birthday party, I think I got my wish. Bryan appeared to me through my five-year-old cousin Eastman. Eastman has always been my little buddy. Ever since the day he was born I have held a special place in my heart for that little boy. A few years ago we found out that Eastman was autistic. I have never met a child with more personality and love than him. He is so special and in tune with the world. He has more knowledge and creativity then I will ever have.

As we were sitting down for dinner Eastman pointed to a picture of Bryan and said "Ashee, I saw Bryan in my dreams last night." It sort of came out of nowhere so I paused for a second and then asked him what happened in his dream. Eastman then went on to tell me that Bryan was in heaven playing with a dog and that he was happy.

When Bryan was 17 years old his favorite dog Clyde passed away. Bryan had had Clyde as a pet since he was a baby and I am 100 percent positive that that is who Eastman saw Bry playing with. Right after Bryan passed away Eastman told me that he thinks Bryan is an angel and that he is with his cat Louie in Heaven. Although Bryan hated cats, I think Eastman is correct in the fact that Bryan is an angel.

My uncle Jeff told me today that Eastman talks a lot about Bryan and that he is always asking about Heaven. Today Eastman pointed to his head and said that Heaven is in "there". When I asked him why, he said because that is where his creativity is. For a five-year-old child, Eastman is more in touch with his spirituality and emotions that I am at 25. After talking to him today, I feel like Bryan must have appeared to him because he knew that Eastman's heart and mind were open and that he was willing to see him. What an amazing gift.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Another Busy Week

Halloween has come and gone and now we are headed straight towards Christmas. Although Halloween was kind of a blur, Owen had so much fun dressing up as a Monkey and spending time with family. Before all of the crazy festivities began, Owen and I decided to visit Bryan's grave site. I really wanted Bryan to see Owen's first Halloween costume and I felt like we would be closest to him there. Although Owen has no idea what we are doing there right now, I think that he will find comfort and peace there someday when he is a little older. Going to the cemetery is not really all that comforting to me right now either, but in time I know that I will feel closer to Bryan there.

After all of the trick-or-treating and celebrating was over, we decided to head to church on Sunday morning. Lori's father Lloyd is an amazing artist and over the past few years has carved large walking sticks out of different tree branches that he collects. After meeting my Pastor Mohn at Bryan's funeral service Lloyd decided to make him a large moses staff as a sign of his appreciation. Not only was it beautifully crafted and stained, but he had burnt different flowers and symbols into it. So, on Sunday we decided to give Pastor Mohn the staff, a beautifully written letter by Lori and a few pictures of Bryan and Pastor Mohn together at Owen's baptism. I knew that he would love the staff, but I did not know how much. It turns out that the name that was given to my pastor from the Native American Tribe he works with at Pine Ridge means staff and he also has a staff tattoo on his back. I do not think that we could have shown our love and appreciation any better than through that amazing walking stick created by Lloyd. I know that it really meant a lot to him and will be with him for the rest of his life; keeping Bryan's memory alive. I am pretty sure that Bryan was thanking Lloyd that day when he had a Hawk land on his head while he was sitting in his tree stand. Bryan loved Hawks and I am sure that that would be the perfect way to let his grandfather know that he was still with him.

After our eventful weekend we decided to spend most of our Monday decorating and organizing Owen's new bedroom. Although I miss having him sleep ten feet away from me, it is nice to be able to put him to sleep in a quiet and peaceful environment. Bryan's birthday was on flag day so we decorated his room in an American Flag theme. It turned out really cute and everything fits together perfectly. Ever since Bryan passed away I have been learning how to quilt; something he really wanted me to do. My cousin Tiffany and I quilted Owen's bed spread (the blanket hanging over his crib). I think that Owen's new bedroom will be a place where he can find peace and be able to do his own thing. I know that being surrounded by pictures and things that his father loved will be very comforting to not only him, but to me as well.