Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Where is God?

In January 2007 Bryan and I took a senior seminar class together entitled "Where is God in the face of evil?". After this past year, I cannot help but ask myself that question everyday.

Where is God... is he even real?

Why did he do this to me... to Owen... to Bryan?

Where is he now... does he even care?

I have always been a "faith filled" person. Although I do not go to church every Sunday and I don't pray every night before I go to bed... I have faith... or at least I did.

Lately, I have been filled with questions and doubts. I don't understand what I did wrong during my lifetime to deserve this kind of pain... this great suffering. I had everything that I wanted and lost it all in a matter of seconds. If we would have left for SD one day earlier... if we would have never moved home... if he would have had his back turned to the accident... if he would have called in sick.... HE WOULD BE HERE TODAY... but then someone else would be dead. Bryan died that day, saving someones life. He died a hero, doing what he did best in life, helping someone else... shouldn't that take away some of my pain? Make me feel a little better? Make me feel more at peace?

Even though I know that Bryan died saving someone else, it still does not ease my pain... the pain of loosing my soul mate... or the pain that my son will feel when he grows up without his father.

Sometimes, when I ask "why?", I wonder if God needed Bryan. Maybe his job here on Earth was done and he was needed for something greater in Heaven. I wonder if Bryan hadn't died that day saving someones life if he would have been taken from me in another way. Maybe it was his time to go... and there was nothing that any of us could have done to keep him here. When I think about it that way... that there was nothing I could have done to keep him alive... it seems to help a little bit. It makes me feel like it was less my fault and more something that I couldn't have controlled.

We never did come to a conclusion in our senior seminar class. How do you answer where God is when millions of people suffer... when starving children go without food... when someone is taken way before their time?

I am trying to find my way back to God... back to the faith that I once had. I know that it will take some time for my anger to ware off and for me to forgive God... but I know that I will at some point. I guess that the best answer I can come up with... the one that helps me out the most, is that although I don't know exactly where God is when evil things occur... I think that he is grieving along side me... that he is suffering too.

"Where were you"

I wish you would have been there.
You could have saved his life.
Instead you left me all alone,
a widower for life.

I never disobeyed you.
I always did things right.
And yet you still ignored me
And took away his life.

You left me all alone.
Alone to raise our son.
You took away my husband.
The one thing that I loved.

Where were you when I cried for help?
How could you let us down?
You teased me with a perfect life.
Then left me face first in the ground.

Some days I really hate you.
Resent your holy name.
But then I thank my lucky stars
You let me take his name.

Although he had to leave us
to join you at your throne.
I am grateful that you gave me
nine years with him alone.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Forever without you

Before Bryan's death if someone would have asked me what my biggest fear was, I would have said spiders or snakes. Now, after all that I have been through, I have this never ending fear of being alone. Every second of every day I think about my life... I think about the things that I WANTED... the goals that I HAD... and the scary future that stands before me.

I am left wondering... WHAT NOW?

I am not afraid of being single. Although it is not easy, I think that I could get used to being a single parent and living on my own. The thing that scares me most of all, is that I might never feel "love" again... that I might have to spend the rest of my life ALONE.

I know what it feels like to be happy and in love... and the thought of never feeling that way again scares the crap out of me.

Since Bryan died, I have thought a lot about my future. A couple of months before I lost Bryan, we were laying in bed and the topic of death came up. I asked Bryan if he would ever be able to re-marry if I were to die. After a long pause... he said "yes". Bryan said that although it would be hard and that it would never be the same, he would probably find someone else at some point in his life. Not knowing that I would be forced to think about this exact situation at 25 years old, I said "no". I thought for sure that I would never be able to re-marry or be with another man. How could I ever feel the way that I felt for Bryan for someone else. There is no way that I would ever be as comfortable or in love with someone as I was with Bryan.

Now... looking at my life... a 25 year old widow... I am forced to think WHAT NOW?

What are my options?

I was reading Matt Logelin's blog the other night and something that he said really stuck out to me. He was talking about his life now... three years after loosing his wife. He was talking about "moving on".

I have always hated that term "moving on". The thought of it actually makes me feel sick to my stomach. But the way that Matt stated his view on "moving on" really spoke true to me and my own personal feelings. He said that it is not about being over what happened or about "moving on"... but instead, it is about "moving through"... I feel that in many ways I am trying to figure out a way that I can "move through" and someday make it out to the other side of this black tunnel okay.

I don't think that I will ever "move on". Bryan will always be a huge part of me. I will never forget our amazing relationship and the great memories that we shared. I do however hope that someday I will be able to "move through". I hope that I will be able to find someone that likes to do the same things that I like to do... someone that I can fall in love with again... someone that I can build a new future with.

I don't want to live the rest of my life alone and single. I want to have a husband... I want to have more than one child... I want to go home to someone at 5pm... I want to have family game nights... I want to go fishing and hunting with my family... I want to be able to go on family vacations... but I think most of all, I want to be LOVED.

I have never really been a poet, that was always Bryan's thing, but I thought I would give it a try. I feel like the best way for me to express myself is through my creativity and words. So here it goes...

"Forever without you"

Tears stain my pillow
Reality has sunk in
I lay alone in the dark now
Forever without you

My mind aches for something
For just one peaceful break
I sit alone in my thoughts now
Forever without you

Life seems so pointless
How can I move through
I stand alone on this road now
Forever without you

Why did you have to leave me
So vulnerable and weak
I question alone in my anger now
Forever without you

Will I ever find true love again
Start out fresh and be brand new
I worry alone for my future now
Forever without you

I don't know where life will take me
I hope I will be okay
I pray alone for an answer now
Forever without you

I hope I will be happy
That love will find it's way
I move alone on my journey now
But not without you

Friday, October 8, 2010

Out Numbered

Tonight, I took on the brave task of having a slumber party at my house. In my almost 26 years of life, I have never had a group of children...boys for that matter... sleep over at my home. It was all new to me.

When I agreed to have my 10 year old nephew Brendan (Bryan's brothers son) spend the night I have to admit that I really had no idea what we were going to do... or how I was going to keep him entertained. I felt like I had a lot of pressure to try to make his time at my house fun. After all, I wanted him to want to come back! I wanted him to think of me as the "cool" aunt... not the "lame" one.

Bryan loved Brendan. He loved Brendan A LOT. Brendan was his little partner... his wrestling buddy... his friend. Whenever Brendan would come visit for the weekend, Bryan would always go out of his way to make his time with him fun... full of laughter and goofiness. Bryan would act silly and wrestle with Brendan... he would make goofy faces and say silly things... he would give him junk food and let him push his boundaries... he would let him be a crazy little boy. Although I am not as fun as Bryan and can't wrestle with a 56 pound ten year old... I figured that I could win him over with junk food and a later bed time.

When Brendan first showed up, I made sure to show him around and tell him that he could help himself to whatever he wanted/needed. Being the "cool" aunt that I am... I of course showed him right where my snack drawer was and let him know that while he was at my house he could eat all the junk food that he wanted. At first, Brendan looked at me kind of funny and said, "My dad doesn't let me have candy at night." I just said... "Well, I told your dad that I was going to give you sugar and let you stay up late, so don't worry bud, I will take the blame if you get in trouble." After our conversation, Brendan went in for the Oreo's and M&M's with a huge smile on his face. If the candy didn't make me "cool" in his eyes, I knew that the pizza and movies that I had planned for the evening would. So, at 6pm we put in Space Monkey's and Over the Hedge and ate pizza in my living room. Brendan was shocked... and amazed. I could tell in his eyes that he felt rebellious... like he was living on the edge.

My plan was successful and halfway into the first movie Brendan looked at me and said "You are like the world's coolest mom... even though you are not my mom."

YES! I had officially won him over. I was "cool".

Not only did Brendan spend the night, but my 15 year old brother also joined in on our slumber party fun. Ever since Bryan passed away, Alec has tried to step in and spend more time with Owen. Although he knows that he can not take Bryan's place... he wants to be able to become a stand up man and tell Owen all about his amazing father. Whenever Alec spends the night it is always evident how much he loves his little nephew. He spends most of the night reading him books, giving him a bath, feeding him food (not always the healthiest things) and giving him hugs. It was fun to see Alec, Brendan and Owen play together. Even though they are not close in age, they all know how to be kids and have a good time.

At 10 pm when everyone was in bed, the lights were turned off, the doors were locked and the tv's were shut off... I realized that I had actually survived the night... I have survived my first boy slumber party. Even though I was out numbered and surrounded by lots of testosterone... I think I succeeded and made everyone happy. Owen got to follow around Brendan like his shadow and copy his every move, Brendan got to eat junk food and stay up late and Alec got to be a "grown up" and help out. All in all... it was a good night.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Be Here Now

"Be Here Now"
-By Mason Jennings

Be here now, no other place to be
Or just sit there dreaming of how life would be
If we were somewhere better
Somewhere far away from all all worries
Well, here we are

You are the love of my life

Be here now, no other place to be
All the doubts that linger, just set them free
And let good things happen
And let the future come into each moment
Like a rising sun

You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
Yeah, you know you are

Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again

And it's all new today
All we have to say
Is be here now

Be here now, no other place to be
This whole world keeps changing, come change with me
Everything that's happened, all that's yet to come
Is here inside this moment, it's the only one

You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
Yeah, you know you are

Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again

It's all new today
All we have to say
Is be here now

• This was one of Bryan's favorite songs. We used to slow dance to it all the time... especially when I was pregnant with our son Owen.

Monday, October 4, 2010

It's a.... Ball!

Owen is officially a chatter box. He just started saying full sentences... and has A LOT to say. I usually wake up to him (at 7am) pointing at everything... saying "It's a ball", "It's a buck", "It's a cookie", "It's a book". Although my life is filled with simple sentences and obsessions with balls and cookies... I am loving Owen's new vocabulary. It is so fun to watch him develop and learn. He is changing every day... growing taller... getting wiser... and becoming more independent.

Owen and I just got the pleasure to go to the Gopher homecoming football game this past weekend, with papa and mema Prairie... and Owen had an absolute blast. Seeing as Owen's favorite thing in the whole world is a ball... he loved watching the game and hearing all of the fans cheer for the Gophers.

My little man is growing up. Waking up in the morning to a smiling face is by far the best way to start each and every day and it just get better when the first thing he does is go over to the pantry... grab the vanilla wafers and says "It's a Cookie".