Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Forever without you

Before Bryan's death if someone would have asked me what my biggest fear was, I would have said spiders or snakes. Now, after all that I have been through, I have this never ending fear of being alone. Every second of every day I think about my life... I think about the things that I WANTED... the goals that I HAD... and the scary future that stands before me.

I am left wondering... WHAT NOW?

I am not afraid of being single. Although it is not easy, I think that I could get used to being a single parent and living on my own. The thing that scares me most of all, is that I might never feel "love" again... that I might have to spend the rest of my life ALONE.

I know what it feels like to be happy and in love... and the thought of never feeling that way again scares the crap out of me.

Since Bryan died, I have thought a lot about my future. A couple of months before I lost Bryan, we were laying in bed and the topic of death came up. I asked Bryan if he would ever be able to re-marry if I were to die. After a long pause... he said "yes". Bryan said that although it would be hard and that it would never be the same, he would probably find someone else at some point in his life. Not knowing that I would be forced to think about this exact situation at 25 years old, I said "no". I thought for sure that I would never be able to re-marry or be with another man. How could I ever feel the way that I felt for Bryan for someone else. There is no way that I would ever be as comfortable or in love with someone as I was with Bryan.

Now... looking at my life... a 25 year old widow... I am forced to think WHAT NOW?

What are my options?

I was reading Matt Logelin's blog the other night and something that he said really stuck out to me. He was talking about his life now... three years after loosing his wife. He was talking about "moving on".

I have always hated that term "moving on". The thought of it actually makes me feel sick to my stomach. But the way that Matt stated his view on "moving on" really spoke true to me and my own personal feelings. He said that it is not about being over what happened or about "moving on"... but instead, it is about "moving through"... I feel that in many ways I am trying to figure out a way that I can "move through" and someday make it out to the other side of this black tunnel okay.

I don't think that I will ever "move on". Bryan will always be a huge part of me. I will never forget our amazing relationship and the great memories that we shared. I do however hope that someday I will be able to "move through". I hope that I will be able to find someone that likes to do the same things that I like to do... someone that I can fall in love with again... someone that I can build a new future with.

I don't want to live the rest of my life alone and single. I want to have a husband... I want to have more than one child... I want to go home to someone at 5pm... I want to have family game nights... I want to go fishing and hunting with my family... I want to be able to go on family vacations... but I think most of all, I want to be LOVED.

I have never really been a poet, that was always Bryan's thing, but I thought I would give it a try. I feel like the best way for me to express myself is through my creativity and words. So here it goes...

"Forever without you"

Tears stain my pillow
Reality has sunk in
I lay alone in the dark now
Forever without you

My mind aches for something
For just one peaceful break
I sit alone in my thoughts now
Forever without you

Life seems so pointless
How can I move through
I stand alone on this road now
Forever without you

Why did you have to leave me
So vulnerable and weak
I question alone in my anger now
Forever without you

Will I ever find true love again
Start out fresh and be brand new
I worry alone for my future now
Forever without you

I don't know where life will take me
I hope I will be okay
I pray alone for an answer now
Forever without you

I hope I will be happy
That love will find it's way
I move alone on my journey now
But not without you


  1. Your amazing! Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know that there are pieces of Bryan, left here with all of us. When we get together I feel a powerful surge of energy! That will always be here to give us strength as we are "moving through" this life without him. I pray that you find that special person, to love and comfort you and that shares your passion for life!
    Love you always!

  2. My Dearest Ashley, God has a plan for your life and He will send love your way when the timing is right.I pray for this every night. You are an amazing women who has strength and courage and so much love in your heart, the right person will come your way someday.BELIEVE.....

    Love Always, Gma

  3. Your poem is beautiful Ashley. Thank you for sharing it.

  4. I just wanted you to know that your words aren't bouncing around the internets - we read them and are blessed and inspired by them. Thanks for sharing your heart with all us strangers.