Saturday, May 28, 2011

Pushing Forward... Slowly

Grief has a funny way of creeping back up on you when you least expect it... there is no way to move through the grieving process and come out on the other end...

Grief is a circle with no way out.
Grief is a maze with no end.
Grief is a roller coaster with many ups and downs...
Grief SUCKS... it is not fair!

Just when I feel like my life is somewhat "normal" again and that Owen and I are doing well, as our mother/son team... Mother's day creeps up and reminds me just how shitty being without Bryan is.

This year there were no Mother's day cards or surprises for me... there were no "you are such a great wife and amazing mother" notes left on a tray with breakfast in bed... there were no hand made cards with Owen's little hand prints or signatures... there was no sleeping in... there was no... Bryan.

Bryan always knew the perfect things to say and just how to say them. He always made me feel so appreciated and special. This year it was hard feeling, not only like I had lost my biggest supporter and cheerleader, but also feeling like while all of the other mothers spent the day with their husbands and children, I spent the day wishing that I could just have a hand made card from Owen telling me that he loved me... I spent the day wishing I could have a normal family... I spent the day wishing I could have my husband back.

Mother's day has since come and gone and I have spent the last month working hard at being the kind of mom I know that my son would be proud of. Although he is not old enough to make me cute little cards yet... I know that he loves and appreciates me.

I see it when he says "mommy" with his cute wrinkled smile and bright eyes.
I hear it when he says "I love you" and gives me a snuggle (hug).
I feel it when he kisses me and says "big one momma".

Grief is a pain in the ass. It sucks and it is not fair.


With Owen... life seems to feel a little easier and the pain seems to hurt a little less...

ONE DAY AT A TIME... we will get through it ... ONE DAY AT A TIME.