"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
- Rainer Maria Rilke
Patience has never been something that I have been good at... nor something that I thought would become such an important piece of my life.
I always want to know the answers NOW... I always want to go run my errands NOW... I always want to eat something NOW... I always want to know why and when everything is going to happen for me right NOW.
Since Bryan passed away, I have been forced to become a more patient person. I have been forced to become a single parent and raise my child alone. I have been left alone wondering why this happened to me, without any answers or legitimate reasons... I have been forced to be patient and wait for the answers to (possibly) come to me at a later time.
Owen has taught me many things... but the most important thing that he has taught me is patience. When he stands in the living room and screams "mama" at the top of his lungs over and over and over again, I am forced to take a deep breath... count to ten... and respond patiently. "What Owey?"
Over the past year and a half I have been forced to stand on my own two feet... become independent... and face obstacles that I did not think I would ever have to face.
Although I want the answers now...
Why did Bryan have to die?
Why do Owen and I have to battle with health insurance and bills?
Why is life so difficult... Why isn't it fair?
I have been able to put aside my worries and my concerns and become more patient. I no longer search for the answers. Instead, I am working on being the best possible version of me. I am working on finding the positive things in my life. I am working on living my life to its fullest... because I think that that is the best way that I can honor Bryan. That I can keep his memory alive.
I can keep Bryan's memory alive by becoming an amazing person... a great mother... a good friend... an inspiration. I can honor him by being true to myself... by patiently awaiting the many answers that I so desperately want and need.
Although having patience is easier said than done... I am working hard on living my life day to day and appreciating the many amazing things that I do have.
•••••••
Patience has never been something that I have been good at... nor something that I thought would become such an important piece of my life.
I always want to know the answers NOW... I always want to go run my errands NOW... I always want to eat something NOW... I always want to know why and when everything is going to happen for me right NOW.
Since Bryan passed away, I have been forced to become a more patient person. I have been forced to become a single parent and raise my child alone. I have been left alone wondering why this happened to me, without any answers or legitimate reasons... I have been forced to be patient and wait for the answers to (possibly) come to me at a later time.
Owen has taught me many things... but the most important thing that he has taught me is patience. When he stands in the living room and screams "mama" at the top of his lungs over and over and over again, I am forced to take a deep breath... count to ten... and respond patiently. "What Owey?"
Over the past year and a half I have been forced to stand on my own two feet... become independent... and face obstacles that I did not think I would ever have to face.
Although I want the answers now...
Why did Bryan have to die?
Why do Owen and I have to battle with health insurance and bills?
Why is life so difficult... Why isn't it fair?
I have been able to put aside my worries and my concerns and become more patient. I no longer search for the answers. Instead, I am working on being the best possible version of me. I am working on finding the positive things in my life. I am working on living my life to its fullest... because I think that that is the best way that I can honor Bryan. That I can keep his memory alive.
I can keep Bryan's memory alive by becoming an amazing person... a great mother... a good friend... an inspiration. I can honor him by being true to myself... by patiently awaiting the many answers that I so desperately want and need.
Although having patience is easier said than done... I am working hard on living my life day to day and appreciating the many amazing things that I do have.
You are stronger than you realize. He must be so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I don't think there are answers to some of those questions. "Everything happens for a reason" seems to be one of those things that OTHER people say when something bad happens to try to make you feel better. Really, what comforting reason could there be for a tragedy? For a broken heart? For loss of beautiful souls from this world?
Surely, we grow as people. We are challenged. We realize our strength. We find joy again. We learn things like patience and to appreciate every moment. But is that a reason to lose someone we love? I don't think I believe that. I think things just sometimes happen. That we do our best to carry on. That trying to be the best version of you is an admirable goal and we should all strive for the same.
I think the questions sometimes drive us crazy. Sometimes acceptance is the hardest thing. It's ok to not understand and to be sad and rage sometimes at the unfairness. It isn't fair. Not at all. And I'm really sorry you had to part with your love far too soon. It's obvious he was very special. He does live on in you and in your son and you will always honor his memory.
I am just some random on the internet, but I really think he'd be proud of you just as you are right now. Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it.
Oh, and your son is a cutie pie.
Great post Ashley and Anonymous. I agree, give yourself a pat on the back Ashley. Love the poem and your interpretation :-)
ReplyDeleteAshley Prairie,
ReplyDeleteI have no comments. I just want to wish good health and luck to you and Owen. Who says this is my heart...
Guto Brito (Brazil)
Ashley, This is the first time I have read your blog and I have to tell you that you already are an amazing woman, and an amazing mother and I assure you that Bryan is looking down on you from heaven with that huge smile on his face very proud of the mother you have become and person you are. I am a cousin of "Papa Buzz" and to be honest never got that chance to meet Bryan personally but he is blood and we have the same last name :) I can't even begin to understand what it feels like to lose someone that close to you but I will say that God has a plan and while not always easy, it will make you a better person if you follow his path. You will bounce back, be stronger, and continue to be an amazing mother to your beautiful son Owen. Someday you will look back and realize how all the puzzle pieces fit together and why but for now just know that God is with you and that following HIS plan is the only option. He asks us to let go of the past, live for each day (enjoying that special little boy to the fullest) and give him your concerns for the future. In other words put your faith in God and everything will get better and you will start to figure out the special gift that both you and Owen have been put here on earth for. Based on your writings I can tell for sure one of your special gifts is being a mother. You are strong and awesome, God Bless you.
ReplyDelete