Saturday, September 18, 2010

A new normal...

For the first time... in a very long time... I feel somewhat "normal" again. Earlier this month, I attended the Liz Logelin Celebration of Hope, a foundation started by Matt Logelin after his wife passed away. Being a widow at 25 is not something that you see or even hear about everyday... so it was nice to meet people similar to me. Although it is sad that I found comfort in meeting other people who had lost their spouses, it was nice to know that I was not alone... and like them, I would get through the dark hole I am in and see the sunlight once again someday.

Before Bryan even passed away I was reading Matt's blog (my friend Tiffany told me about it before I gave birth to Owen). His writing always spoke to me... it was honest and real. After Bryan died, I began to blog, hoping to be just as honest and real as Matt had been. Although I am not yet 100% comfortable saying what is on my mind... for everyone to read... I am working on expressing myself through my writing in ways that I have never done before. Matt is an amazing man and is changing young widows lives everywhere. With his honest words, touching story, and heartfelt advice... he has helped many people survive something that is so horrible it is even hard to believe... the tragic death of a spouse/soul mate.

Lately, I have been trying to focus on all of the positives in my life... which if you know me, is not something that I typically do. Looking back at this past year (it was 1 year on September 3rd) I do not know how I made it through. I know that if I did not have Owen, I would have wanted to join Bryan in Heaven... I would have wanted to give up and just throw in the towel... I would have wanted to sink into a lonely dark hole and never come out. But, I did not have that option. I had Owen. I had to wake up everyday and be present in my son's life. I had to continue on and give him the life that Bryan would have wanted him to live. Even though he is a little devil at times... like when he screams at the top of his lungs and hits me in the face... he is my everything. Owen has kept me alive... he has made me see the light again. Every time I look into his baby blue eyes or watch him dance in his diaper to "Fresh Beat Band" I see Bryan. Owen has Bryan's spirit, his sense of humor, his smile, his toes and his glow.

This month has been tough... Bryan's 1 year death anniversary (Sept. 3rd), his funeral (Sept. 9th), our 3 year wedding anniversary (Sept. 22nd) and our 8 year dating anniversary (Sept. 23rd). I am not entirely sure how we have gotten through, how I have gotten through... but we have. Every day is a new challenge and sometimes I don't want to do anything but cry... but looking at Owen gives me hope that one day, we will be OK... we will find our new kind of "normal".

I have been avoiding Bryan's music since he passed away, up until recently when I attended the Dave Matthew's Band Concert. Since then, I have been listening to more of Bryan's favorite music lately and finding comfort in some of their lyrics. Bryan LOVED music and always found special meaning in their words. This particular song stood out to me. It is by Mason Jennings (Rachel sent it to me 11 days after Bryan passed away).

"Sometimes late at night I go the field
Is that where you are?
Are you a shooting star?
Can you say my name?
Darling can you hear me?
Tell me where's your heart now that it stopped beating?
It's right here, it's right here, it's right here"

Although Bryan is not here with me physically I feel him everyday. I see him in Owen, I hear his advice in music lyrics, I feel him in the great outdoors and I dance with him in my dreams. I know he is here with Owen and me. I know he is and always will be Right Here!


  1. Ashley, It was great to spend time with you at both of the Liz Logelin events. I hope you saw I mentioned you in my post about it as well. Your blog is beautiful and I enjoy reading it... but more importantly I hope it gives you a sense of solace and movement as you find your new normal.

    What a gorgeous photo of Bryan, you and Owen.

  2. Ashley, it was delightful to meet you last weekend. You're in my thoughts.

  3. Ashley, I'm so sorry for your loss. But I'm so glad that you are finding solace, and that you have your dear Owen. I'll be thinking of you!

  4. *hugs* thank you for sharing. I am sorry for your loss. Clearly Owen was a huge gift for you in a horrible situation.