Monday, September 27, 2010
Exhaustion has officially set in
Owen is officially one and a half years old... and with that being said... he is super active. Running (literally running) around the house, going up and down the stairs, un-rolling the toilet paper, playing in the dog food, climbing on the furniture, and digging through the pantry... I spend most of my days following him around and saying NO. "No, don't hit the kitty". "No, put that down". "No, get off of that".
When Bryan and I first found out that we were going to have a baby, it was mixed emotions. I cried in the living room while he danced around the house. I was not ready to be a parent and did not think that being pregnant was a "good" thing. Bryan, on the other hand, was very excited... you could not wipe the grin off of his face if you tried. Although Bryan always worried that he would not be a good father, I knew that he was going to be the BEST. He was going to put all other fathers to shame.
When I was pregnant with Owen, I was really sick, and spent the first 6 months of my pregnancy throwing up every meal and only drinking ensures. Every morning I would wake up to a new sticky note on the front door (that usually read... I love you and the baby. Have a great day at work and don't forget your vitamins). Not only did Bryan leave cute messages everywhere in the house, but if it was ever raining or snowing he insisted on driving me into work and picking me up. He put my shoes on the boot warmer at night so my feet would be warm in the morning, he made late night trips to the store for my cravings, he became a member on various baby websites and had updates sent daily to his email letting him know where our son was in the developmental/growth stages and he rubbed my back when I just couldn't move any more. Bryan was the BEST husband ever. I never thought... in a million years... that he was going to pass away and leave me alone... a single parent raising our baby. I never thought I would have to figure out how to do all of this on my own.
On days like today... when nothing seems fair... I often wonder if I am doing a good enough job. I know that if it were me that had passed away and Bryan was still here with Owen, he would be doing a phenomenal job. Bryan would be teaching him how to fish and hunt and do well in school and excel in sports and be an amazing human being. I am worried that I am just coasting... just getting through the daily challenges. I know that I could be doing much more. I could be finding a good job, putting him in swimming lessons, bringing him on play dates, taking him to the park, teaching him how to hunt/fish and making him organic healthy meals. Instead, I am so exhausted by the time I put him to sleep at 8pm that all I can do is sit on the couch and stare mindlessly at the television.
But, some days, when Owen blows me a kiss and gives me a hug... I feel like I am all that he needs. Maybe right now, I am good enough. Maybe right now, I make him happy. When we play dress up (he loves playing dress up...putting on shoes and necklaces... or his new dinosaur costume) and he giggles and his eyes light up, I feel like he is happy. When he grabs a book and comes over and sits on my lap, I feel like he enjoys being with me. When he tackles me and says "tickle tickle tickle", I feel like he is having a blast. I hope that when Owen looks back on his childhood he does not feel upset or sad... that instead he feels proud and honored to have been raised by me, even if I was a single, stay at home mom, just trying to make it through the day to day things. I just want to make him proud.