As the world turns....

My little baby turned two on March 19th... just a couple of weeks ago. We celebrated Owen's big day with our family and friends at our home in Maple Grove... the first party that I have ever thrown on my own. Owen had an absolute blast and loved his underwater themed party. When he was not pointing up at the ceiling yelling "fishes" he was chasing bubbles and balloons around our house.


Although my house was packed wall to wall with people and all of the kids were running up and down the stairs... we managed to make it work and Owen had a wonderful birthday. I tried hard to think of all of the ways that I could incorporate Bryan into Owen's big day... because he should be here... celebrating his son's special day along side all those who love him... all those who love us. So, I put together a 35 minute dvd of pictures and music documenting Owen's past two years.

While bouncing from room to room entertaining our guests... it was nice to see Bryan's face on the tv screen... holding Owen... smiling... here! I always battle with finding different ways to include Bryan in our everyday lives... from writing this blog... to keeping a journal for Owen about Bryan's favorite things... I am constantly trying to think of ways to keep Bryan around... to keep his memory alive... to keep him "real".


Tomorrow, Papa Buzz is checking into the hospital and undergoing surgery at 1pm to remove his prostate/cancer. It is going to be a very hard day for all of us... especially Buzz and Lori. I don't think that Owen understands that he will not be able to wrestle or swim with Papa for awhile... it should be interesting to see how he reacts to the whole recovery process. Every morning when Owen wakes up he asks me if he can go play with Papa Buzz... It is going to be hard to keep him from tackling Papa... but I know his beautiful spark and amazing sense of humor will help Buzz immensely. I know that it helps me on my darkest days.



Although Owen won't be able to go to the hospital and wait with us to hear the news about Papa's surgery (there is no way he could sit still for three hours) ... I am planning on going... to hold Lori's hand and to add some comic relief with some of my many Owen stories. Buzz has so many people that love him and that are going to be with him on his journey... Owen and I especially.

He has always been our rock, now it is time that we become his. We love you Papa Buzz!

Turning Two... and remembering Bryan

Two years ago this coming Saturday (March 19th) at 11:04 am my beautiful son Owen was born. After four and a half very painful hours of labor my healthy baby boy was born with ten fingers and ten toes... 7 pounds 5 ounces and 19.5 inches long... he was perfect.

On March 18th Bryan and I went in for an ultrasound to check on my amniotic fluid levels. I had been on bed rest for two weeks because my fluid levels were low... the Doctor said that Owen was taking up all the room in my belly and I just could not physically grow any bigger... in other words, I was the size of a house.

After they performed a stress test and found that Owen's breathing patterns were not regular, they decided to check me into the hospital at 9pm to be induced. At 6:30 am my water broke. After four hours of 2 and a half minute contractions with only 30 seconds in between... Owen was born... and Bryan and I instantly fell in love with our new son.


While the whole day is sort of a blur there is one memory of our stay in the hospital that comes to mind. After all of our family left and it was just Bryan and me left in the room with Owen... we both realized that this was now our family... our perfect family of three. Bryan crawled into bed with me, put his arms around my back and we both just stared into our beautiful sons eyes. At roughly 11:30 pm, Owen opened his eyes for the first time... and for nearly a half hour he just stared at us. It was as if he knew that we were his mommy and daddy. It was by far the most memorable experience in my life. After nine months of pregnancy and a very painful labor, my son was here... he was looking right at me... telling me that loved me.


I am not sure how I am going to tell Owen about his father's death yet... mostly because I don't think I have truly accepted it myself. I do know though that I am going to let him know everyday that his father loved him more than anything else in this world. From the moment I found out that I was pregnant to to second that Owen was born... Bryan dedicated his life and love to his one and only son.

He woke up multiple times during the night just to check on him because he missed holding his tiny hand and kissing his cute little nose.
He rushed home from work just to hold him and tell him that he loved him.
He was an amazing father and an amazing husband.

I have been avoiding videos of Bryan since the day that he died... primarily because I am scared to hear his voice. Hearing his voice makes him real.. and less of a memory. But, this week... on Owens second birthday, I decided that I wanted Owen to hear his fathers voice and see the video's from his first few months of life. Although it is painfully hard for me... and I have had a few meltdowns... okay, more than a few meltdowns... I think that this is the best gift that I can give my son... the gift of his fathers voice.

I have to warn those who have not heard Bryan in awhile... the second video is pretty rough.

Owen is a lot like his father in many ways. Besides the obvious similarity in their appearance (they could be twins) Owen has a very similar personality...
He is hilarious and super animated.
He brightens a room the minute he walks in.
He is crazy athletic and can literally repeat everything that he sees.
His smile melts hearts and touches souls.
He is stubborn... a sign of good character.
He has a loving and nurturing nature.

Owens two year old picture:

Bryan at two years old:
Although we cannot bring Bryan back and we are all still struggling to move forward... we are all coming together this Saturday to try to celebrate Owens life. It is hard to be happy and party without Bryan here but seeing Owen and knowing that Bryan lives on in him is comforting. Owen is an amazing child and we are all so very lucky to have him in our lives. If Bryan were here he would be so proud of Owen and the person that he is becoming. I know that he will be with us in spirit... singing happy birthday and holding Owens hands as he blows out his candles.

We love you Owen. Happy Second Birthday!

Little House for the Prairie's

* This is the letter that I sent in for the Regis and Kelly dream home giveaway...


I fell in love with my late husband Bryan back in the first grade. His beautiful blue eyes and fun personality was irresistible, even to a six-year old little girl. After many years of having a crush and drawing hearts next to his name in my yearbooks, I finally got the courage to ask him out to sno-daze, our sophomore year of high school’s dance. It was on that day that Bryan and I became good friends and started on our path through life together.

After three years of wishing and hoping that Bryan would ask me out, Bryan and I went on our first date, the summer before our senior year began, to a movie and dinner. On September 23rd, 2002 Bryan asked me out and we officially became a couple. After praying that we could be together for almost 10 years I finally could call him my boyfriend. I was dating BRYAN PRAIRIE, my life-long crush.

On September 22nd, 2007 Bryan and I got married at Holy Nativity Lutheran Church. It was the best day of my life. Bryan and I were so happy and excited to start our family. And on July 27th, 2008, after 4 positive pee sticks, we found out that we were having a baby.

On March 19th, 2009 our son Owen was born at 11:04am. He was healthy and beautiful. When Owen was born Bryan took him from the doctor and handed him right to me. He kissed my forehead, kissed Owen, and said "I love my little family". From the moment Bryan held Owen he was deeply in love with him. Bryan was born to be a father. He was so natural at it and seemed to know exactly what to do.

After Bryan graduated from Augustana college at the end of May with his nursing and biology degree, we decided to move home to be closer to our family. Since Bryan could not find a job in the nursing field yet he decided to work for his friends window washing company to try to get enough money to pay our bills.

On September 3rd at roughly 3pm our lives were forever changed. We received a call that Bryan had fallen off Methodist hospital while trying to save his friend/co-workers life. After we arrived at the hospital they informed us that Bryan had passed away. It was at that moment that my life stopped.

I was sitting in a room trying to process the fact that the love of my life and best friend was dead all while looking across the room into my 5 month old sons eyes. He would never get to know his father. The father that loved him more than life it self and was looking so forward to watching him grow. I went from the perfect life, with the perfect man and the perfect son... to an unemployed 24-year old widow and single mother, all within a couple of hours. My life was turned upside down and I had no idea how to make it any better.

How do you know who you are when you don't have the other person that completes you anymore. I have always been Ashley/Bryan (also known as bryley) and now I have to try to find Ashley somewhere.

This past year and a half has been a challenge. Learning how to become a single parent and how to move forward has not been easy. Owen and I have tried to take one day at a time and find our new rhythm. Although I am currently a stay at home mother, I have been trying to enter back into the work force and find a job in marketing. Shortly after Bryan passed away I started a blog (http://prairiefamily-ashleyprairie.blogspot.com/) that has since caught the attention of many readers. I hope that I can turn it into a book someday and help other young widows, just like myself.

Receiving the dream house would be a fresh start for Owen and me. I want so badly to give my son all of the things that Bryan and I intended on giving him while he was still alive. Due to my income and status it is nearly impossible for me to afford a house. I can barely afford rent. I would love to be able to try to create some stability in our lives. Have a place where Owen can grow up and play ball in the back yard. Winning this home would not only be life changing... but it would be life starting as well. Starting out on this new adventure with my now almost two-year-old son in a new home would be a dream come true. Something Bryan wanted so badly for us to have... a place to call home.

Life is fragile...

Life is fragile...
Life is unpredictable...
and just when you think you have it all figured out,
Life smacks you upside the head and reminds you that you are not in control...
that Life is not up to you...
that Life is unfair.


This past month I have been doing a good job of pushing forward and working towards trying to figure out my future... figure out what I want to do with this gift of life that I have been given.

At the beginning of February, Owen and I took a trip to South Dakota. I wanted to meet with my college journalism professor Janet... to catch up... to tell her about Bryan... and to get her advice. Janet was always in my corner. She made writing/learning fun. When I decided that I wanted to write a book, I knew that I had to get in touch with her and do some massive brainstorming. During our one hour together, Janet helped me out more than she will ever know. She got me focused... she got me on track... and she made me confident in myself... confident in my ideas.

Our trip to Sioux Falls was amazing and Owen and I had a blast. Just spending a few days cooped up in a hotel room... playing with play dough, coloring in coloring books and jumping on the bed was just what we needed. Owen got to see where he was born, experience Augustana College (where Bryan and I graduated from), drive by his first home and chase butterflies at the butterfly gardens with Bryan's old college roommate/friend Kyle.

After our trip to South Dakota, I decided that we are going to make a ritual out of traveling to Sioux Falls each year... the place where Owen's father smashed the triple jump school records and graduated with a RN and Biology degree. The place where his mother met her best friend Tiffany and discovered her passion for writing. The place where his parents started their lives together and brought him into this world.

Just when we were least expecting it... this past week we received the sad news that "Papa Buzz", Bryan's father, has stage one prostate cancer. When they told me the news I have to say that I was shocked. After we lost Bryan, I did not think that we would have to wade through any more sadness or loss...at least for awhile. That old saying "When it rains, it pours" has been very true for the Prairie family these past two years.

Bill is the strength in our family... he is the glue that holds us together... he is our rock. Whenever I need something or have a question... Bill (and my dad) is my go to person. Seeing him vulnerable and scared is difficult and heartbreaking to watch. I feel so helpless... I feel so numb.

Since Bryan passed away, Bill has stepped in as Owen's go to "dad". Owen loves his "Papa Buzz" and asks for him every morning when he wakes up. Without "Papa Buzz"...

who would bring Owen to his swimming lessons...
who would teach Owen how to hunt...
who would teach Owen how to fish...
who would tell Owen all of the stories about his father that only a father would know...
who would teach Owen how to drive...
but most of all...
who would teach Owen how to be the same stand up amazing man that his Papa was....

No one can do those things but him... but Buzz.

On April 1st, Bill will be going in for surgery. While the prognosis is good and everything sounds very positive... the fact that he has to go through all of this is still heartbreaking and scary. Owen and I will be there every step of the way cheering him on and sending silly dances and smiles his way.

Although life is unfair and difficult...

Life is also amazing.
Life is filled with love...
Life is filled with beauty...
Most of all... Life is worth it!

We love our Papa Buzz and are his biggest cheerleaders! We cannot wait to spend 50 more years watching the beauty in life right by his side... on the boat and in the woods.

Patience... easier said than done

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

- Rainer Maria Rilke

•••••••

Patience has never been something that I have been good at... nor something that I thought would become such an important piece of my life.

I always want to know the answers NOW... I always want to go run my errands NOW... I always want to eat something NOW... I always want to know why and when everything is going to happen for me right NOW.

Since Bryan passed away, I have been forced to become a more patient person. I have been forced to become a single parent and raise my child alone. I have been left alone wondering why this happened to me, without any answers or legitimate reasons... I have been forced to be patient and wait for the answers to (possibly) come to me at a later time.


Owen has taught me many things... but the most important thing that he has taught me is patience. When he stands in the living room and screams "mama" at the top of his lungs over and over and over again, I am forced to take a deep breath... count to ten... and respond patiently. "What Owey?"

Over the past year and a half I have been forced to stand on my own two feet... become independent... and face obstacles that I did not think I would ever have to face.

Although I want the answers now...

Why did Bryan have to die?
Why do Owen and I have to battle with health insurance and bills?
Why is life so difficult... Why isn't it fair?

I have been able to put aside my worries and my concerns and become more patient. I no longer search for the answers. Instead, I am working on being the best possible version of me. I am working on finding the positive things in my life. I am working on living my life to its fullest... because I think that that is the best way that I can honor Bryan. That I can keep his memory alive.


I can keep Bryan's memory alive by becoming an amazing person... a great mother... a good friend... an inspiration. I can honor him by being true to myself... by patiently awaiting the many answers that I so desperately want and need.

Although having patience is easier said than done... I am working hard on living my life day to day and appreciating the many amazing things that I do have.

Surviving the Holidays

In just a few hours Owen will be waking up and we will both be getting ready for all of our Christmas Eve festivities. While most people may think that this year will be easier for us than last year was... I am honestly dreading this year more.

Last year, I was still in shock. Last year, I was on sleeping medication and anti-depressants. Last year, I was numb. Last year, I was coping for Owen... to make his first Christmas fun... to keep Bryan's memory alive.

Now, a year later... after all of the shock has worn off and reality has set in. I am hurting. I am dreading. I am sad.

Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love giving gifts. I love spending time with my family. I love playing board games till midnight. I love eating cookies and drinking egg nog. And I love surrounding myself with people who make me laugh.

Bryan and I would spend months preparing for the holidays. Sending out our Christmas cards, planning out our gifts and decorating our house. After Bryan passed away, we tried to get in the Christmas spirit and make Owen's first Christmas a memorable one... even though we were all just trying to survive. We decorated the tree, made the food, bought the gifts and put a smile on our faces... we tried to make it work.

This year, I am finding it harder to pretend and just "get" through the day. While I want to make Owen's day special... it is hard for me to not focus on the things that are missing. The things that I wish were with us.

When I close my eyes I can see Bryan playing Rock Band with my brothers... beating on the drums and head banging. I can see him giving my mom and dad a big hug when he opens his gifts. I can see him eating eggs benedict Christmas morning at his parents house. I can see him sitting in his parents basement... with his messy bed hair and red flannel pajama bottoms on... wrapped in a blanket.

I can see him. I can smell him. I can feel him.

To not have those things... those moments... those memories... it is really hard. I wish that Owen and him could wrestle on the floor on top of all the wrapping paper shreds. I wish they could snuggle on the couch and open gifts together. I wish they could open all of Owen's new toys and try them all out.

Oh how I wish... he was here... that he was with us... that he was with Owen.


Last year my father read a blessing that he wrote before we sat down to dinner. I think that it is fitting this year as well. Although it does not make Christmas any easier... it does help shift my focus (a little)...

Dear God,
We are here to express our gratitude for all of your blessings. You have given us so much. Not only providing us with what we need to live, but in giving us yourself. We are richly blessed and it is right to acknowledge that you are the source of all good things.

Yet, this day also brings a mix of emotions. We confess our thanks, but also our sadness because of the empty place at our table. We know that death and sorrow were not your original plan, but we also know that you use difficulties to draw us closer to you and to each other. Here and now fill the empty places in our hearts and this empty place at our table. Teach us to savor the moments we have with one another, to rightly remember what we have lost, but also to look forward in hope to what we have promised in the future.

We say again, "Your love is better than life." Thank you for all of your blessings. For even through the trials and loss you always somehow reveal your goodness.

In Jesus we pray. Amen.

The power of music

Bryan LOVED music. He could literally listen to his ipod all day long. It was not just a passion of Bryan's, it was his life... He spent most of his free time researching new bands/artists and playing his guitar. Music was Bryan's muse, his relaxation, his life's story and his emotions... it flowed through every pore in his body and radiated out his limbs.

Bryan's passion for music ignited his interest and love for dance. If you were ever fortunate enough to watch Bryan dance... you are considered one of the very lucky ones. The first time that I attended one of Bryan's dance competitions...I was in 10th grade... and I fell in love. He did not just memorize the moves... he became the dance... he became the song. His body told the story... he expressed his emotions through his movements... he made me feel what he was feeling.

After Bryan passed away I tried hard to distance myself from his music. Every time I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of him I would get sick to my stomach. So, for the first year... I ignored music almost completely. It was not until I attended the Dave Matthews Band concert this past summer (my first concert ever) that I was able to let Bryan's music back in.


Listening to his music sparks so many memories and feelings for me. It was such a huge part of his life... of our life. When I listen to "Flake" by Jack Johnson I can see him sitting on our couch playing his guitar... when I hear "Son's Gonna Rise" by Citizen Cope I am back in the passenger seat of our car driving to the hospital to deliver Owen... when "Rocky Raccoon" by the Beatles comes on my ipod I picture Bryan in his high school letter jacket sitting next to me in his car... when "Days like this" by Van Morrison pops up in my itunes I am back on the lake, in the boat, fishing with Bryan... when "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley plays on Owen's playlist I remember Bryan rocking Owen to sleep and singing him that song.


So many memories... and most of them are all set to song. I have spent some of the most memorable moments of my life immersed in music.

Since music was so important to Bryan, I wanted to make sure to incorporate it into Owen's life as well. I wanted to expose Owen to all the different genres and let him choose what songs were going to be his muse... his life story. But, before I could even introduce Owen to music... he showed me that like his father, he was born loving it. When Owen hears a song that he likes... it is like the music just flows through his body and he is compelled to dance.



Although it is still difficult for me to listen to Bryan's music... I know that I have to... I know that we have to. While it is hard and I still cannot get through a song without crying, I know that at some point it will be soothing and comforting to me.

I want Owen to be able to feel those same emotions his father felt when he listened to his music... I want Owen to be able to get a glimpse into the kind of man his father was through the lyrics in the songs that he liked... through the beats that made him move... and through the melodies that made him sing.

While I was writing this blog, I listened to Bryan's ipod... and here are some of the few songs that stood out to me... that reminded me of the man that I fell in love with... that reminded me of my Bryan.

Elliott Smith
- Angeles (This was his go to homework song)
- The Morning After (One of our many love songs)

Jack Johnson (One of Bryan's favorite artists)
- Flake (He like to play this song on his guitar)
- Taylor (One of the first songs he learned on his guitar)
- Bubble Toes (The first song Bryan "dedicated" to me)

Citizen Cope
- Son's Gonna Rise (Bryan played this song while we drove to the hospital to have Owen)
- Let the drummer kick that (Bryan loved dancing to this song... he couldn't help it)

Dave Matthews Band
- Grey Street (He always listened to this in the car)
- Stay or Leave (Another one of our favorite songs)
- You and me (He loved dancing with me to this one... in our kitchen)
- Proudest Monkey (Bryan loved singing this song... no matter where we were when he heard it)
- The Stone (He loved the intro to this song... probably one of his favorite songs by Dave)
- Crush (Another one of our many love songs)

Ben Harper
-Morning Yearning (He loved this song and listened to it all the time)

Cat Stevens
- Wild World (We would drive around in his car in high school to this song)
- Peace Train (Bryan loved singing this song to me)

Beatles (His favorite band)
- Something (Bryan wanted to dance to this song at our wedding)
- Black Bird (He picked me up for our first date while he was listening to this song)
- Here comes the sun (This song always put him in a good mood)
- Rocky Raccoon (He listened to this all the time in high school... I used to make fun of him for that)

Mason Jennings
- Empire Builder (Bryan played this song all the time... and I mean all the time)
- Lemon Grove Avenue (Bryan sang this song a lot on our car rides home to MN)

Monsters of Folk
- Say Please (He discovered this band the summer he passed away and really liked this song)

Arcade Fire
- Wake up (Bryan loved the book where the Wild Things Are... he really liked this song that went along with the movie)

Red Hot Chili Peppers
- Parallel Universe (He head banged to this song every time it came on... he loved it)

Van Morrison
- Days like this (We listened to a lot of Van Morrison on the boat)

Weezer
- The Good Life (Bryan loved dancing to this song... and singing it. But he was usually doing it in a very animated and goofy way)

My Morning Jacket (Another one of Bryan's favorite bands)
- It Beats For You (Our song)
- Wordless Chorus (This was his chill song... it always relaxed him)