Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Turning Two... and remembering Bryan

Two years ago this coming Saturday (March 19th) at 11:04 am my beautiful son Owen was born. After four and a half very painful hours of labor my healthy baby boy was born with ten fingers and ten toes... 7 pounds 5 ounces and 19.5 inches long... he was perfect.

On March 18th Bryan and I went in for an ultrasound to check on my amniotic fluid levels. I had been on bed rest for two weeks because my fluid levels were low... the Doctor said that Owen was taking up all the room in my belly and I just could not physically grow any bigger... in other words, I was the size of a house.

After they performed a stress test and found that Owen's breathing patterns were not regular, they decided to check me into the hospital at 9pm to be induced. At 6:30 am my water broke. After four hours of 2 and a half minute contractions with only 30 seconds in between... Owen was born... and Bryan and I instantly fell in love with our new son.

While the whole day is sort of a blur there is one memory of our stay in the hospital that comes to mind. After all of our family left and it was just Bryan and me left in the room with Owen... we both realized that this was now our family... our perfect family of three. Bryan crawled into bed with me, put his arms around my back and we both just stared into our beautiful sons eyes. At roughly 11:30 pm, Owen opened his eyes for the first time... and for nearly a half hour he just stared at us. It was as if he knew that we were his mommy and daddy. It was by far the most memorable experience in my life. After nine months of pregnancy and a very painful labor, my son was here... he was looking right at me... telling me that loved me.

I am not sure how I am going to tell Owen about his father's death yet... mostly because I don't think I have truly accepted it myself. I do know though that I am going to let him know everyday that his father loved him more than anything else in this world. From the moment I found out that I was pregnant to to second that Owen was born... Bryan dedicated his life and love to his one and only son.

He woke up multiple times during the night just to check on him because he missed holding his tiny hand and kissing his cute little nose.
He rushed home from work just to hold him and tell him that he loved him.
He was an amazing father and an amazing husband.

I have been avoiding videos of Bryan since the day that he died... primarily because I am scared to hear his voice. Hearing his voice makes him real.. and less of a memory. But, this week... on Owens second birthday, I decided that I wanted Owen to hear his fathers voice and see the video's from his first few months of life. Although it is painfully hard for me... and I have had a few meltdowns... okay, more than a few meltdowns... I think that this is the best gift that I can give my son... the gift of his fathers voice.

I have to warn those who have not heard Bryan in awhile... the second video is pretty rough.

Owen is a lot like his father in many ways. Besides the obvious similarity in their appearance (they could be twins) Owen has a very similar personality...
He is hilarious and super animated.
He brightens a room the minute he walks in.
He is crazy athletic and can literally repeat everything that he sees.
His smile melts hearts and touches souls.
He is stubborn... a sign of good character.
He has a loving and nurturing nature.

Owens two year old picture:

Bryan at two years old:
Although we cannot bring Bryan back and we are all still struggling to move forward... we are all coming together this Saturday to try to celebrate Owens life. It is hard to be happy and party without Bryan here but seeing Owen and knowing that Bryan lives on in him is comforting. Owen is an amazing child and we are all so very lucky to have him in our lives. If Bryan were here he would be so proud of Owen and the person that he is becoming. I know that he will be with us in spirit... singing happy birthday and holding Owens hands as he blows out his candles.

We love you Owen. Happy Second Birthday!


  1. "A Father's Song"

    A man walks on this earth
    For not so very long
    And he wonders what
    He'll be remembered by
    When he is gone.
    So he struggles through the years
    Down a road he paves
    With hopes and fears
    Trying to carve his name
    Upon the wall of time.

    And so it is, my son
    That I stand here now
    Looking o'er the years
    Of all the sweat and tears
    That crossed my brow.
    All the battle plans I drew
    And all the mountains
    That I tried to move
    Lay behind me now
    Like miles of sifting sand.


    But of all the things I've done
    I'll never be more proud
    Than of you, my son
    And of all the dreams I've had
    It meant more just to hear
    You call me "dad"
    More than any wealth or fame
    Or any glory I wish I could claim
    More than anything I'll ever do
    Son, I'll always be most proud
    Of you.

    Now you stand before me, son
    On this golden day
    And it's plain that you're a man
    No more a child at play
    But through a haze of tears I see
    That little boy
    Who once looked up to me
    And realize that I'm the one
    Who now looks up to you.

  2. "you're a ninja in training". classic. :)
    thanks for sharing that, ash.
    continual thoughts and prayers for you guys as you feel that weird blend of joy and sorrow.

  3. These videos make me smile. I miss his voice.

    Owen has always been a fighter.