Saturday, December 11, 2010
For the past two days we have been under a winter blizzard warning... so I thought that it would be a good time to organize some paper work and get rid of things that we don't need anymore. While I was going through the bookshelf in my bedroom, I stumbled across a journal that I had started when Bryan died.
On the first page was a letter than I had written to Bryan the day of his funeral. I remember that I copied the letter in my journal and put the original with him in his casket... along with one of our wedding pictures, a picture of him with Owen, a duck call and Owen's fleece camo jacket that Bryan bought for him when we first found out we were pregnant.
Although it was hard for me to read again... I have typed it below.
This is my final letter to Bryan... my promises... my emotions... and my heart.
I never thought that this day would come and I would have to be the one saying goodbye to you. I have never just been Ashley... I have always been Bryan and Ashley. So, really I don't feel alive any longer either.
Ever since we met at Pilgrim Lane in the first grade you have held a special place in my heart. How am I supposed to move on and raise Owen without you? How am I supposed to go on living without you?
Whenever I think about our life together, I smile. We were always just so happy and in love. I remember one of our favorite memories was when we were driving around in your Chevrolet Malibu Classic when we were 17 and I fell asleep on your lap. You told me that in my sleep I said "I love you Bryan." So, you pulled over, woke me up and said, "I love you too." In the short 8 years that we have been together you have taught me how to be a better person. You never said bad things about people and you were always so compassionate.
On the day that we found out I was pregnant with Owen you danced around the house and sang at the top of your lungs. While I was sick through my second trimester you were always there to help make me feel better. Writing me love letters, making me Cd's, buying me food that I could keep down and driving me to and from work because you did not want me to get hurt.
You are the love of my life and my soul mate. I still have not figured out why God had to take you so soon but I can only assume that we were just too happy and that our lives were fulfilled. He must have needed you.
Don't worry about Owen. He will be fine. I will teach him everything about you and let him know just how much he was loved. You were such a great father and he will always know you through me. Although I may not know right now how to shoot a bow, run marathons, or blow a duck call... I will learn. Who knows, maybe Owen and I will get our own hunting show someday on the outdoor network. Just you wait and see.
I am not sure how to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You are such an amazing guy and I feel so lucky that you chose me out of all of the other women out there. I love you Monkey and I will see you again someday by the lake where the ducks and the elk play. We will be together again soon for eternity... dancing, singing, laughing and loving.
Love your wife,