I did everything right (or at least I tried to). I never did drugs or stayed out past curfew. I got good grades. I went to a great college and got an amazing degree. I fell in love with my high school sweetheart. I got married. I had a good job. I gave birth to a beautiful boy...
and...
my world still came crumbling down.
But, no matter what I did to try to make my life perfect... to try to make my life normal... it still disintegrated right in front of me on September 3, 2009 at roughly 3pm.
I wake up every morning thinking that each day is going to be better than the last. Most days... I can make it through my day okay. But, lately it seems like I am constantly reminded about how tough my life really is. Every time I go to my mailbox I am terrified to open my mail. I have health insurance... I don't have health insurance. I will receive social security... I won't receive social security. I get a workmen's comp check... I don't get a workmen's comp check.
This past week, when I got my mail... I found out that I had lost my health insurance and most of my monthly income. Let's just say I have had a few meltdowns.
HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO SURVIVE?
Why is it that even though I did everything right... I feel like the scum of the Earth... the lowest of the lows.
Why is it that I cannot make it work?
Why is it that I feel like such a failure?
Why did I try so hard if I was just going to end up struggling and being so stuck?
Why me... I did not want to raise my son this way?
Amidst my breakdown and my loss of self-worth... something happened this week that made me feel like everything was going to be okay... Like someone was looking out for us. It is on days like today that I am reminded... no matter how tough your situation is... you will make it through... you will survive.
On Thursday morning... the same day that I had just finished draining out my savings account... I received a letter from the Liz Logelin Foundation. I thought that it was going to be a simple thank you letter for attending their event this past September... but when I opened the envelope, I was brought to tears. Enclosed was a beautiful letter and a $3,000 check. The Liz Logelin Foundation decided to sponsor Owen and I for the month of November 2010.
I WAS GOING TO BE OK!
WE WERE GOING TO BE OK!
Because of generous gifts from multiple donors and the amazing Liz Logelin Organization, Owen and I are going to be financially ok again for a little while. I went from not knowing how I was going to pay rent in December ... to having enough money for the next few months. All of my prayers were answered at the most opportune time.
I feel like it is during times like these that we realize the importance of hope. Although I have had a really rough year and a half I know that someone is looking out for Owen and me. I know that we are going to make it... that we are going to be ok.
Through the struggle we learn to appreciate the things that we DO have. I have an amazing family, a wonderful son, amazing friends, and fabulous memories. Thank you Matt Logelin and the Liz Logelin Foundation for giving me that renewed hope... for making me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh Ashley! First my heart hurt for you, seeming to be stuck in that tunnel. Then I got chills when you described receiving that check!! You are being cared for, girl... and prayed for too.
ReplyDeleteOh how thrilled I am to read this!
ReplyDeleteI wish I would have met you at the fundraiser in September - maybe next year?
Hang in there - you WILL be ok...
xoxo
I came over from Matt's site and what a great story this was to read. I pray for you and your son, and am so glad the LLF was there for you! Much love to you.
ReplyDeleteMy thought and prayers are with you. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteoh honey. I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad to hear you and your beautiful boy are going to be ok in the money department for a bit longer.
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. I'm crying as I read this and I just want you to know that I will be praying for you and sending you & your boy all the love and magic I can muster.
ReplyDeletethis brings tears to my eyes..
ReplyDeleteI am so happy you are being sponsored and so sad for you loss
I am soo happy the Liz Logelin Foundation sponsored you! I am just so sorry for your loss though!!
ReplyDeleteClicked over from Matt's blog...so happy to hear you and Owen are being sponsored. It's a great foundation, I'm just sorry you are in this situation.
ReplyDeleteI to clicked over from Matt's blog and was in tears both over your struggle and the outstanding gift from other! I actually do not live far from you. Only about 1 hour west and have two children of my own. Although I can not relate to you and your story of the loss of your husband. I do understand hard times and the stress of just wanting the best for your child. May the lord bless you further this holiday season. Keep your head held high. You will overcome any obsticle set in your path!! God bless!
ReplyDeleteDear Ashley - May you and that sweet boy of yours have a joyful holiday season. Your story touched me, as does Matt's, and I will pray for you that things will turn around. That LLF check was a true gift for a very deserving person, YOU!
ReplyDeleteI, like others, have found you through Matt's blog. I guess I wanted to let you know you have inherited a new lurker out here in the blogosphere. I can't imagine all that you are going through but please know that I'm praying for you and Owen, that you have peace and happiness in your life. God bless!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I ended up here on this blog, but I know God has a plan for everything. I first have to say how heavy my heart is at this very moment after reading and absorbing all that you have been through. My head hurt from holding back the tears so, I just had to let them flow. Ashley, God has not forgotten you or Owen. I don't know why things happen sometimes, but I faithfully trust God with His plan. (I do struggle with it sometimes, but ultimately, I trust Him.) I want you to know I will be praying for you and Owen. God Bless you and, I hope this Holiday will be a blessing to you both.
ReplyDeleteThe work of the Liz Logelin foundation is amazing. I am so pleased that you received this. I hope that it helps you though and that your luck changes for the better very soon.
ReplyDeleteThinking about you.
Jade
Just a fellow Matt L reader here.. I came to your blog after reading his recent post.
ReplyDeleteIt has me in tears at work! I just wanted to tell you that I am very sorry for what happened to Bryan. I couldn't even begin to imagine. You are a strong woman & a wonderful mother. Owen will get to know his Daddy through you, just as Maddy will know her Mother! Take care- God Bless you & Owen.
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI, too, found you by Matt's blog. I had so many emotios reading this. And I don't even know you!
one of the things that struck me was how much I could feel what you felt. the parts about not knowing who you are, and worknig on finding that out. that is JUST what I have experienced, and I have never seen it put so vividly as when I read your blog. it brought up past feelings from me, and made me feel even more sorrow for you. BUT....there is hope, and I also know that feeling that there is NOT. I am living proof that there is! For me, I had a choice to make when I experienced the loss. I could decide to let God help me, and ask him to carry me and guide me, or I could be angry and choose to live my life with all that entailed. I chose to learn. To work through my anger, and sadness. It was NOT easy. for a whole year and for years to come, I cried almost daily. I think most people thought I had completely lost it! the only one that TRULY understood, was GOd. He held me during the night, he listened, he comforted. I would not have believed it had I not experienced it. it was REAL. I began to take on an idenity-who I was in Jesus, not who I was with my husband. there were moer and more better days. I did not ahve an Owen to help me, I felt very alone. As I look back now, some 12 years later, I can see all along my journey the people, the miracles, all that God placed in my path. and I have changed. for good! And I am grateful. God's plan has unfolded in my life, and I am pressing on, with Him by my side.
thank-you for having the courage to write, to feel, to press on for Owen. You are Not alone, Ashley. You are Loved. You are His.
Psalm 139-He knew you before you were born, and had an amazing plan for your life!!!
Tami Johnson, Minnesota
matt lurker here too - we're cheering you on! your words had me in tears.
ReplyDeleteThank you for inspiring me to donate money to the Liz Logelin Foundation. Because of this post and the desire to give back I just made a donation so that people like you can get the help they so deserve.
ReplyDeleteHello I just linked over from Matt's blog. Im so glad the foundation helped you out that is wonderful!!
ReplyDeleteI had to make my blog private because I was getting some unkind comments and it was just bringing me down, but I just thought it was strange we got married on the same day, same year, I also have a son he is 3, and my husband died Jan. 9th 2009......Alek my son was 18 months old.
I will pray that things start to work out and I will check in on your blog. I am not sure if you are on FB but I am part of a group of woman that have lost their spouses also if you are interested you can find me on FB and I will link you!
Thinking of you.