Mixed Feelings

This year was supposed to be the first year that Bryan and I took Owen out to Hecla to experience hunting for the first time. Bryan loved to hunt and looked forward to it/prepared for it all year. He was looking forward to teaching Owen how to climb a tree stand, shoot a bow, and wait patiently for the big bucks to walk within 50 yards.

Before Owen was even born he was destined to be a hunter. When I was pregnant, Bryan would watch different hunting shows (like White Tale Freaks and Dream Season) every night before we would go to bed. Most nights I would fall asleep on his lap and wake up to him saying "Hunny we can go to bed now". I am pretty sure that Owen knew when the hunting channel was on, even when he was a brand new baby, because he would always get really quite and stare at the screen. That always used to make Bryan so proud.

This weekend Bill, Lori, Bob, Rachel, Owen and I headed out to Hecla for the hunting season. I knew before we left that it was going to be hard, but I did not know that it was going to be this hard. Every where I look I have flashbacks to last year when I was pregnant and Bryan and I were cuddling on the couch and talking about how we would raise our son. Now I am laying in a bedroom, on a twin bed, by myself, wishing that Bryan was here. All I want to do is go out in the field and search for him. I keep thinking that he is in his tree stand waiting for his perfect buck and just has not come home yet.

Sine Bryan's death I have been able to keep myself busy and distract myself most days when we are home in Plymouth, but I cannot seem to do that out here. I keep thinking about how Bryan really wanted me to go hunting with him and watch him kill a wall worthy buck. For our anniversary he even planned on getting a double tree stand so we could sit together and I could film his big kill. I have gone hunting with Bryan a couple times in the past but never for the whole day. It has been really hard for me to see Bob and Rachel go together and experience it as a couple and think that that should be me and Bryan too. It is also really hard to be the only one here without someone. I feel so alone and that is something that I can honestly say I had never experienced before Bryan's death.

I know that I have Owen but it just is not the same. I don't have anyone to sleep with or kiss goodnight. I don't have anyone to stay up laughing with or talk about my day. I don't have anyone to dry my tears and tell me that everything is going to be fine. I don't have Bryan.

I always feel like I have to be happy and put on a front so that I don't ruin anyones day, but really all I want to do is cry and scream "WHY BRYAN, WHY ME, and WHY OWEN?" I hide my emotions all day, then when everyone goes to sleep I go on my computer, look at pictures of Bryan and I, cry, try to write, and then pass out from my sleeping medication. Everyone always tells me that I am such a strong women and that I am a great mother, but really I feel like a weak, empty, terrible mom. I know that things are still fresh and that it will take awhile to feel "normal" again, but I just don't feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My life will never be the same and I just can't help but feel like I will never be happy again. I just have to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have Owen. I will always have a little piece of Bryan with me in him. He is my miracle.