Where is God?

In January 2007 Bryan and I took a senior seminar class together entitled "Where is God in the face of evil?". After this past year, I cannot help but ask myself that question everyday.

Where is God... is he even real?

Why did he do this to me... to Owen... to Bryan?

Where is he now... does he even care?

I have always been a "faith filled" person. Although I do not go to church every Sunday and I don't pray every night before I go to bed... I have faith... or at least I did.

Lately, I have been filled with questions and doubts. I don't understand what I did wrong during my lifetime to deserve this kind of pain... this great suffering. I had everything that I wanted and lost it all in a matter of seconds. If we would have left for SD one day earlier... if we would have never moved home... if he would have had his back turned to the accident... if he would have called in sick.... HE WOULD BE HERE TODAY... but then someone else would be dead. Bryan died that day, saving someones life. He died a hero, doing what he did best in life, helping someone else... shouldn't that take away some of my pain? Make me feel a little better? Make me feel more at peace?

Even though I know that Bryan died saving someone else, it still does not ease my pain... the pain of loosing my soul mate... or the pain that my son will feel when he grows up without his father.

Sometimes, when I ask "why?", I wonder if God needed Bryan. Maybe his job here on Earth was done and he was needed for something greater in Heaven. I wonder if Bryan hadn't died that day saving someones life if he would have been taken from me in another way. Maybe it was his time to go... and there was nothing that any of us could have done to keep him here. When I think about it that way... that there was nothing I could have done to keep him alive... it seems to help a little bit. It makes me feel like it was less my fault and more something that I couldn't have controlled.

We never did come to a conclusion in our senior seminar class. How do you answer where God is when millions of people suffer... when starving children go without food... when someone is taken way before their time?

I am trying to find my way back to God... back to the faith that I once had. I know that it will take some time for my anger to ware off and for me to forgive God... but I know that I will at some point. I guess that the best answer I can come up with... the one that helps me out the most, is that although I don't know exactly where God is when evil things occur... I think that he is grieving along side me... that he is suffering too.


"Where were you"

I wish you would have been there.
You could have saved his life.
Instead you left me all alone,
a widower for life.

I never disobeyed you.
I always did things right.
And yet you still ignored me
And took away his life.

You left me all alone.
Alone to raise our son.
You took away my husband.
The one thing that I loved.

Where were you when I cried for help?
How could you let us down?
You teased me with a perfect life.
Then left me face first in the ground.

Some days I really hate you.
Resent your holy name.
But then I thank my lucky stars
You let me take his name.

Although he had to leave us
to join you at your throne.
I am grateful that you gave me
nine years with him alone.

Forever without you

Before Bryan's death if someone would have asked me what my biggest fear was, I would have said spiders or snakes. Now, after all that I have been through, I have this never ending fear of being alone. Every second of every day I think about my life... I think about the things that I WANTED... the goals that I HAD... and the scary future that stands before me.

I am left wondering... WHAT NOW?

I am not afraid of being single. Although it is not easy, I think that I could get used to being a single parent and living on my own. The thing that scares me most of all, is that I might never feel "love" again... that I might have to spend the rest of my life ALONE.

I know what it feels like to be happy and in love... and the thought of never feeling that way again scares the crap out of me.

Since Bryan died, I have thought a lot about my future. A couple of months before I lost Bryan, we were laying in bed and the topic of death came up. I asked Bryan if he would ever be able to re-marry if I were to die. After a long pause... he said "yes". Bryan said that although it would be hard and that it would never be the same, he would probably find someone else at some point in his life. Not knowing that I would be forced to think about this exact situation at 25 years old, I said "no". I thought for sure that I would never be able to re-marry or be with another man. How could I ever feel the way that I felt for Bryan for someone else. There is no way that I would ever be as comfortable or in love with someone as I was with Bryan.

Now... looking at my life... a 25 year old widow... I am forced to think WHAT NOW?

What are my options?

I was reading Matt Logelin's blog the other night and something that he said really stuck out to me. He was talking about his life now... three years after loosing his wife. He was talking about "moving on".

I have always hated that term "moving on". The thought of it actually makes me feel sick to my stomach. But the way that Matt stated his view on "moving on" really spoke true to me and my own personal feelings. He said that it is not about being over what happened or about "moving on"... but instead, it is about "moving through"... I feel that in many ways I am trying to figure out a way that I can "move through" and someday make it out to the other side of this black tunnel okay.

I don't think that I will ever "move on". Bryan will always be a huge part of me. I will never forget our amazing relationship and the great memories that we shared. I do however hope that someday I will be able to "move through". I hope that I will be able to find someone that likes to do the same things that I like to do... someone that I can fall in love with again... someone that I can build a new future with.

I don't want to live the rest of my life alone and single. I want to have a husband... I want to have more than one child... I want to go home to someone at 5pm... I want to have family game nights... I want to go fishing and hunting with my family... I want to be able to go on family vacations... but I think most of all, I want to be LOVED.

I have never really been a poet, that was always Bryan's thing, but I thought I would give it a try. I feel like the best way for me to express myself is through my creativity and words. So here it goes...


"Forever without you"

Tears stain my pillow
Reality has sunk in
I lay alone in the dark now
Forever without you

My mind aches for something
For just one peaceful break
I sit alone in my thoughts now
Forever without you

Life seems so pointless
How can I move through
I stand alone on this road now
Forever without you

Why did you have to leave me
So vulnerable and weak
I question alone in my anger now
Forever without you

Will I ever find true love again
Start out fresh and be brand new
I worry alone for my future now
Forever without you

I don't know where life will take me
I hope I will be okay
I pray alone for an answer now
Forever without you

I hope I will be happy
That love will find it's way
I move alone on my journey now
But not without you

Out Numbered

Tonight, I took on the brave task of having a slumber party at my house. In my almost 26 years of life, I have never had a group of children...boys for that matter... sleep over at my home. It was all new to me.

When I agreed to have my 10 year old nephew Brendan (Bryan's brothers son) spend the night I have to admit that I really had no idea what we were going to do... or how I was going to keep him entertained. I felt like I had a lot of pressure to try to make his time at my house fun. After all, I wanted him to want to come back! I wanted him to think of me as the "cool" aunt... not the "lame" one.


Bryan loved Brendan. He loved Brendan A LOT. Brendan was his little partner... his wrestling buddy... his friend. Whenever Brendan would come visit for the weekend, Bryan would always go out of his way to make his time with him fun... full of laughter and goofiness. Bryan would act silly and wrestle with Brendan... he would make goofy faces and say silly things... he would give him junk food and let him push his boundaries... he would let him be a crazy little boy. Although I am not as fun as Bryan and can't wrestle with a 56 pound ten year old... I figured that I could win him over with junk food and a later bed time.

When Brendan first showed up, I made sure to show him around and tell him that he could help himself to whatever he wanted/needed. Being the "cool" aunt that I am... I of course showed him right where my snack drawer was and let him know that while he was at my house he could eat all the junk food that he wanted. At first, Brendan looked at me kind of funny and said, "My dad doesn't let me have candy at night." I just said... "Well, I told your dad that I was going to give you sugar and let you stay up late, so don't worry bud, I will take the blame if you get in trouble." After our conversation, Brendan went in for the Oreo's and M&M's with a huge smile on his face. If the candy didn't make me "cool" in his eyes, I knew that the pizza and movies that I had planned for the evening would. So, at 6pm we put in Space Monkey's and Over the Hedge and ate pizza in my living room. Brendan was shocked... and amazed. I could tell in his eyes that he felt rebellious... like he was living on the edge.

My plan was successful and halfway into the first movie Brendan looked at me and said "You are like the world's coolest mom... even though you are not my mom."

YES! I had officially won him over. I was "cool".


Not only did Brendan spend the night, but my 15 year old brother also joined in on our slumber party fun. Ever since Bryan passed away, Alec has tried to step in and spend more time with Owen. Although he knows that he can not take Bryan's place... he wants to be able to become a stand up man and tell Owen all about his amazing father. Whenever Alec spends the night it is always evident how much he loves his little nephew. He spends most of the night reading him books, giving him a bath, feeding him food (not always the healthiest things) and giving him hugs. It was fun to see Alec, Brendan and Owen play together. Even though they are not close in age, they all know how to be kids and have a good time.

At 10 pm when everyone was in bed, the lights were turned off, the doors were locked and the tv's were shut off... I realized that I had actually survived the night... I have survived my first boy slumber party. Even though I was out numbered and surrounded by lots of testosterone... I think I succeeded and made everyone happy. Owen got to follow around Brendan like his shadow and copy his every move, Brendan got to eat junk food and stay up late and Alec got to be a "grown up" and help out. All in all... it was a good night.

Be Here Now

"Be Here Now"
-By Mason Jennings

Be here now, no other place to be
Or just sit there dreaming of how life would be
If we were somewhere better
Somewhere far away from all all worries
Well, here we are

You are the love of my life

Be here now, no other place to be
All the doubts that linger, just set them free
And let good things happen
And let the future come into each moment
Like a rising sun

You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
Yeah, you know you are

Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again

And it's all new today
All we have to say
Is be here now

Be here now, no other place to be
This whole world keeps changing, come change with me
Everything that's happened, all that's yet to come
Is here inside this moment, it's the only one

You are the love of my life
You are the love of my life
Yeah, you know you are

Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again
Sun comes up and we start again

It's all new today
All we have to say
Is be here now

• This was one of Bryan's favorite songs. We used to slow dance to it all the time... especially when I was pregnant with our son Owen.

It's a.... Ball!

Owen is officially a chatter box. He just started saying full sentences... and has A LOT to say. I usually wake up to him (at 7am) pointing at everything... saying "It's a ball", "It's a buck", "It's a cookie", "It's a book". Although my life is filled with simple sentences and obsessions with balls and cookies... I am loving Owen's new vocabulary. It is so fun to watch him develop and learn. He is changing every day... growing taller... getting wiser... and becoming more independent.


Owen and I just got the pleasure to go to the Gopher homecoming football game this past weekend, with papa and mema Prairie... and Owen had an absolute blast. Seeing as Owen's favorite thing in the whole world is a ball... he loved watching the game and hearing all of the fans cheer for the Gophers.


My little man is growing up. Waking up in the morning to a smiling face is by far the best way to start each and every day and it just get better when the first thing he does is go over to the pantry... grab the vanilla wafers and says "It's a Cookie".

Trying to not forget...

I knew Bryan better than I know myself. I could tell when he was upset... I could tell when he was hiding something... I could tell when he was stressed... and I could tell when he was anxious. Not only could I read his emotions just by looking at him, but I also knew every inch of his body (graphic I know...). I am worried that over time I will begin to forget "him". When I close my eyes I can picture him... his face... his hands... his feet... his smile. So, not only for myself... but for Owen as well... I am going to make a list of the things that remind me of Bryan so that WE never forget.


• Bryan had the most beautiful sky blue eyes. Every time he smiled he would get little wrinkles on either side of his eyes... Even on some of my worst days, if Bryan would crack a joke and smile at me... I would melt and all of my troubles would seem to fade away.

• Bryan had a little mole on the right side of his upper lip, something that I looked at every time I kissed him while he was asleep. I remember when I would kiss Bryan I would always have to stand on my tip-toes. Bryan was a whole foot taller than me so I always had to wrap my hands around his waist and stand on my toes to reach his beautiful lips. Oh how I miss that... I think some of my favorite memories with Bryan are when we would just slow dance (me on my tip-toes of course) and kiss. We slow danced everywhere... in the kitchen while cooking... in the morning in our pj's... at night before we went to bed... and the grocery store when Bryan would beg me to let him get Oreo's... and outside while we were out walking our dog.


• Looking at pictures of Bryan, you can tell that he had the most beautiful hair. Whether he wore it long or short... it was always thick and flowing. Bry had a scar on the top of his head, where he needed stitches, when he was little from hitting his head on the monkey bars. He also had a silly colic on the back of his neck on the right hand side... He was always so frustrated when he would get a hair cut and it would swirl in all different directions. On nights when I could not fall asleep I would always play with Bry's hair and twirl it in my fingers. It was so comforting and soothing to me... and to him too.

• Bryan had a birth mark on his upper left arm (close to his shoulder). It was just a small circular one. He also had a white mark in the middle of his upper back... a scar that he got from shingles when he was a little boy. Every summer... whether he used sun screen or not... it would burn and turn bright pink. I always teased him and told him that he had a beauty mark.


• When I close my eyes and try to remember holding Bryan's hands... I feel so at peace. Our hands always fit perfectly together. Bryan and I always joked that we were made for each other. Our bodies always fit just right together. Bryan had the softest hands. Although they were super strong from fishing and hunting they were slim enough where my tiny fingers could fit easily in his grip. We always held hands... when we walked... when we drove... when we sat on the couch... when we did homework. Whenever we would hold hands in public I would always hold on to Bryan's pinkie. He always thought that was so funny.


• Anyone that knows Bryan, knows that he had the most unique feet... Because he danced for most of his life, Bryan had very high arches. I hate feet... they freak me out, but I loved Bryan's. I always called Bryan monkey because he used his feet like hands (just like a monkey would). I remember one night when we were laying on the couch and he couldn't reach the remote, he grabbed it with his toes, flipped it in the air and caught it in his hands. Just crazy.

• Bryan had incredibly long legs.... super high hips... and ridiculously long arms. Finding clothes for him was nearly impossible and took for ever. It would literally take him hours to try on clothes and do the "wallet" test. He was one picky shopper.

• Most of all... more than anything though, I miss Bryan's sense of humor. I miss his goofy faces and random dance moves. I miss the way we fought. When we would get into arguments he would get down on all fours and run around the house like a gorilla... banging on his chest and making monkey noises... how could I stay mad at that? I miss his grouchy face in the mornings when he would eat cereal in front of the TV in his polka dot boxers... I miss his girly laugh... his high pitch squeal when I would tickle him... the loud noise he would make when he would blow his nose... the excitement he would get when hunting would come on TV... most of all...
I MISS HIM!

I close my eyes numerous times throughout the day and try to picture Bryan. I try to imagine us cuddling in bed and holding hands on the couch... but each day it gets harder and harder to do. I am terrified that in time I will forget him.... I will forget his smell... his smile... his presence... his laugh. Although I see pieces of him in my son, it just is not the same. So.... I hope that in writing some of these things down, I will not be allowed to forget.

Exhaustion has officially set in

Owen is officially one and a half years old... and with that being said... he is super active. Running (literally running) around the house, going up and down the stairs, un-rolling the toilet paper, playing in the dog food, climbing on the furniture, and digging through the pantry... I spend most of my days following him around and saying NO. "No, don't hit the kitty". "No, put that down". "No, get off of that".


When Bryan and I first found out that we were going to have a baby, it was mixed emotions. I cried in the living room while he danced around the house. I was not ready to be a parent and did not think that being pregnant was a "good" thing. Bryan, on the other hand, was very excited... you could not wipe the grin off of his face if you tried. Although Bryan always worried that he would not be a good father, I knew that he was going to be the BEST. He was going to put all other fathers to shame.

When I was pregnant with Owen, I was really sick, and spent the first 6 months of my pregnancy throwing up every meal and only drinking ensures. Every morning I would wake up to a new sticky note on the front door (that usually read... I love you and the baby. Have a great day at work and don't forget your vitamins). Not only did Bryan leave cute messages everywhere in the house, but if it was ever raining or snowing he insisted on driving me into work and picking me up. He put my shoes on the boot warmer at night so my feet would be warm in the morning, he made late night trips to the store for my cravings, he became a member on various baby websites and had updates sent daily to his email letting him know where our son was in the developmental/growth stages and he rubbed my back when I just couldn't move any more. Bryan was the BEST husband ever. I never thought... in a million years... that he was going to pass away and leave me alone... a single parent raising our baby. I never thought I would have to figure out how to do all of this on my own.


On days like today... when nothing seems fair... I often wonder if I am doing a good enough job. I know that if it were me that had passed away and Bryan was still here with Owen, he would be doing a phenomenal job. Bryan would be teaching him how to fish and hunt and do well in school and excel in sports and be an amazing human being. I am worried that I am just coasting... just getting through the daily challenges. I know that I could be doing much more. I could be finding a good job, putting him in swimming lessons, bringing him on play dates, taking him to the park, teaching him how to hunt/fish and making him organic healthy meals. Instead, I am so exhausted by the time I put him to sleep at 8pm that all I can do is sit on the couch and stare mindlessly at the television.


But, some days, when Owen blows me a kiss and gives me a hug... I feel like I am all that he needs. Maybe right now, I am good enough. Maybe right now, I make him happy. When we play dress up (he loves playing dress up...putting on shoes and necklaces... or his new dinosaur costume) and he giggles and his eyes light up, I feel like he is happy. When he grabs a book and comes over and sits on my lap, I feel like he enjoys being with me. When he tackles me and says "tickle tickle tickle", I feel like he is having a blast. I hope that when Owen looks back on his childhood he does not feel upset or sad... that instead he feels proud and honored to have been raised by me, even if I was a single, stay at home mom, just trying to make it through the day to day things. I just want to make him proud.