It's all just a blur...

It is Christmas Eve tomorrow and I have to say that the entire month of December has just been one big blur. I am not sure if I have just been trying to get through this month as fast as possible or if Owen and I have just been really busy, but I do not know where the time went.

Earlier this month Owen and I ventured out to the tree farm with Grandma Lori, Grandpa Buzz, Uncle Bob, Auntie Rachel and Brendan. In the eight years that I have been a part of the Prairie family, this was the first year that I had ever cut down a Christmas tree with them. One of the many things that Bryan looked forward to when we moved home was cutting down the tree with his family and decorating for the holidays. It was really hard to be there without him, but I just focused on making the memory perfect for Owen. Deep down, I just wished that Bryan would pop out of a pine tree acting like his goofy self, jumping around and making faces at us. I know that he was there in spirit though. I am convinced that he was the one that lead us to the Christmas tree that just so happened to have a perfect little birds nest in it....which I am told is a symbol of good luck.

After we picked out the perfect tree, we loaded it into the truck and headed home to decorate. I was not too sure how Owen would do, but surprisingly, he was really gentle and calm. It was a lot of fun to watch him touch the light bulbs with his fat little stubby fingers and attempt to get the bulbs off of the tree. He had a good time destroying boxes, pulling out decorations and playing with all of grandmas stuff. He even let me put on his little Santa hat for a few pictures.





Another big event that took place this month was Owen's first visit with Santa. Lately he has been pretty clingy and attached to my hip, so I knew that it was not going to be easy to get a photo with him on Santa's lap. After prying his fingers from my sweater we managed to get one photo of him. Although I wished he was smiling, his crocodile tears are pretty cute.


Although I know that tomorrow is going to be extremely hard, I am praying that it will go okay. I really want to make Owen's first Christmas perfect...full of love, family, and fun. I think he may have even gotten an early Christmas present because his two bottom teeth popped through today. I guess we will just have to wait and see what tomorrow will bring. I will keep you posted....

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Busy Busy Boy

Now that Owen is officially on the move, it seems like time is just flying by. Not only has he learned how to crawl everywhere (at a fast speed) but he has also decided that he can go up the stairs...all by himself. Grandma Lori and I had to go out and buy gates last week to install in the living rooms because Owen is bound and determined to cover every square inch of the house. Even though it is a little scary to watch him try new things, I do love watching his chubby little legs and fat fingers work there way around. He is so smart and learns something new everyday. I continue to be amazed by his spirit and tenacity. He is one stubborn, happy, vivacious little boy.

Trying to get over the gate....

Going up the stairs.....

Standing up in bed....

Although it is fun watching Owen learn how to crawl and attempt to walk, I have also had to watch his temper develop throughout the week...and I have to say he has a big temper. Whenever Owen gets mad that he cannot move a toy just right or that he cannot stand up on his own for long enough, he starts to yell and hit....yes I said HIT. I have had to tell him to "be nice" a lot this week. Not only does he hit now, but he has also learned how to run my toes over in his new jeep walker that I bought him this past Saturday. Even though he has been a little more vocal and physical lately, he has also been giving more kisses, which out ways the naughty things he does. There is nothing better than a sloppy Owen kiss. He makes my day when I pick him up or he crawls over to me and nuzzles his face into mine, looks me in the eyes, opens his mouth, and kisses me. It has to be the best feeling in the whole world...It shows me that he loves me.

Not only have we had a busy week watching Owen grow, but this past week we also celebrated Thanksgiving. It was really hard to be without Bryan, but we all pulled through and remained thankful that we got as much time with him as we did. Owen got to spend time with both sides of his family (Prairie and Esson) and show of his new skills. He loved all of the love and attention he received that day, not to mention all of the turkey and mashed potatoes he got to eat.

To top it all of, we got the good news that Uncle Alec made the Armstrong basketball team! Bryan played basketball with Alec every week and really wanted him to make the high school team. I know that he would be so proud of him. After Bryan passed away in September, Alec said that he was going to continue playing basketball because it made him feel closer to Bryan. He even wrote Bryan's name on his basketball shoes so that he could be there in spirit with him, helping him through his game. When we found out that Alec made the team, Owen and I promised to go to every game and cheer him on. We attended his first game tonight against Edina and Alec's team won. I know that Bryan was there the entire time, yelling and screaming "Go Alec....get to that ball". I am so proud of my brother. In closing, I thought I would post a paragraph that Alec wrote on Bryan's facebook wall the day he made the team.

"Bryan I made the Armstrong team for you and I know your proud, but I give my success to you cause you taught me to become a good basketball player and even though I wont see you attend my games, I always know you'll be watching from the sky. But its hard not having someone to teach me and be there for me cause that was your job, you inspired me to be a better person. Miss you man"

I AM IN SO MUCH TROUBLE

Owen turned 8 months old on Thursday and for his big birthday, he decided that he was going to crawl with his belly off of the ground and pull himself up onto the couch. I am now officially a very busy mommy. Owen does not just crawl to his toys, he crawls all over the house. His favorite thing is to tear up all of grandma's magazines, so he heads over to her magazine shelf as soon as I set him down on the floor. Goodbye to the days where I could just set him down on the floor and clean my room and do laundry. Goodbye to the days where I could get ready in the morning while he watched Barney with Penny. Goodbye to the days where I could run to the bathroom quick while he looked at his books.

Bryan always talked about how he could not wait to see Owen crawl and walk. I think he was most excited to teach him how to hunt, fish, and play sports... all of which he had to wait to do till he was mobile. It is hard to watch Owen grow and overcome all of these big milestones without Bryan here with us. When I am sad, I just have to remind myself that he is with us and he is with Owen, guiding his every move and step. I am reminded that Owen has his daddy whispering in his ear whenever I ask Owen to say mama... because he always responds with "dada". I know that is Bryan's doing.

Owen not only decided to crawl and balance on furniture this week, but last night at 10:00 he decided to crawl up the stairs. It was not like he had to make a few attempts either. He literally crawled over to the stairs and went up. I know that Bryan would be so proud of his little man.

My Little Monkey

I am so lucky to have such an amazing little boy.

Children Are Amazing

Ever since Bryan passed away I have been praying that he would come to me in some way, shape or form and let me know that he was okay and happy. Whenever I have dreams about him, he is still alive and with Owen and me.... living a normal life. I thought for sure that he would appear to me as a butterfly or something else symbolic in our lives (I have a butterfly tattoo on my back that Bryan drew for me when we were 18) but he hasn't.

Today, at my little cousins birthday party, I think I got my wish. Bryan appeared to me through my five-year-old cousin Eastman. Eastman has always been my little buddy. Ever since the day he was born I have held a special place in my heart for that little boy. A few years ago we found out that Eastman was autistic. I have never met a child with more personality and love than him. He is so special and in tune with the world. He has more knowledge and creativity then I will ever have.

As we were sitting down for dinner Eastman pointed to a picture of Bryan and said "Ashee, I saw Bryan in my dreams last night." It sort of came out of nowhere so I paused for a second and then asked him what happened in his dream. Eastman then went on to tell me that Bryan was in heaven playing with a dog and that he was happy.

When Bryan was 17 years old his favorite dog Clyde passed away. Bryan had had Clyde as a pet since he was a baby and I am 100 percent positive that that is who Eastman saw Bry playing with. Right after Bryan passed away Eastman told me that he thinks Bryan is an angel and that he is with his cat Louie in Heaven. Although Bryan hated cats, I think Eastman is correct in the fact that Bryan is an angel.

My uncle Jeff told me today that Eastman talks a lot about Bryan and that he is always asking about Heaven. Today Eastman pointed to his head and said that Heaven is in "there". When I asked him why, he said because that is where his creativity is. For a five-year-old child, Eastman is more in touch with his spirituality and emotions that I am at 25. After talking to him today, I feel like Bryan must have appeared to him because he knew that Eastman's heart and mind were open and that he was willing to see him. What an amazing gift.

Another Busy Week

Halloween has come and gone and now we are headed straight towards Christmas. Although Halloween was kind of a blur, Owen had so much fun dressing up as a Monkey and spending time with family. Before all of the crazy festivities began, Owen and I decided to visit Bryan's grave site. I really wanted Bryan to see Owen's first Halloween costume and I felt like we would be closest to him there. Although Owen has no idea what we are doing there right now, I think that he will find comfort and peace there someday when he is a little older. Going to the cemetery is not really all that comforting to me right now either, but in time I know that I will feel closer to Bryan there.

After all of the trick-or-treating and celebrating was over, we decided to head to church on Sunday morning. Lori's father Lloyd is an amazing artist and over the past few years has carved large walking sticks out of different tree branches that he collects. After meeting my Pastor Mohn at Bryan's funeral service Lloyd decided to make him a large moses staff as a sign of his appreciation. Not only was it beautifully crafted and stained, but he had burnt different flowers and symbols into it. So, on Sunday we decided to give Pastor Mohn the staff, a beautifully written letter by Lori and a few pictures of Bryan and Pastor Mohn together at Owen's baptism. I knew that he would love the staff, but I did not know how much. It turns out that the name that was given to my pastor from the Native American Tribe he works with at Pine Ridge means staff and he also has a staff tattoo on his back. I do not think that we could have shown our love and appreciation any better than through that amazing walking stick created by Lloyd. I know that it really meant a lot to him and will be with him for the rest of his life; keeping Bryan's memory alive. I am pretty sure that Bryan was thanking Lloyd that day when he had a Hawk land on his head while he was sitting in his tree stand. Bryan loved Hawks and I am sure that that would be the perfect way to let his grandfather know that he was still with him.

After our eventful weekend we decided to spend most of our Monday decorating and organizing Owen's new bedroom. Although I miss having him sleep ten feet away from me, it is nice to be able to put him to sleep in a quiet and peaceful environment. Bryan's birthday was on flag day so we decorated his room in an American Flag theme. It turned out really cute and everything fits together perfectly. Ever since Bryan passed away I have been learning how to quilt; something he really wanted me to do. My cousin Tiffany and I quilted Owen's bed spread (the blanket hanging over his crib). I think that Owen's new bedroom will be a place where he can find peace and be able to do his own thing. I know that being surrounded by pictures and things that his father loved will be very comforting to not only him, but to me as well.

Mommy's Little Boy

Owen is changing right before my eyes. Everyday his hair gets longer, his feet get bigger and his hands get fatter. Seeing his contagious smile and bright blue eyes puts a smile on my face every morning (even at 6:00 am). I can't help but think that I helped bring that beautiful, caring, hilarious and amazing child into this world; he makes me feel special and like my life has purpose.

Last weekend both Esson and Prairie families prepared for Halloween (Bryan's favorite holiday). I knew that it was going to be hard to celebrate Owen's first Halloween without Bryan, but I wanted Owen to experience all of the things that his father loved to do. I knew that Owen was going to like the pumpkin goo but I did not know how much. On Saturday night, at roughly 5:00pm, Owen dug his tiny fat fingers into the stringy orange goop and whipped it all over my parents kitchen. As if it was not bad enough that I had to wipe orange goo off the walls, but then Owen decided to eat/devour the pumpkin guts. Not only did he try it, but he LOVED it and could not get enough.


Then, on Sunday, Owen and I ventured over to the Prairie's house to spend yet another day carving pumpkins and taking pictures. Of course, Owen was his usual photogenic self (just like his father) and posed for roughly 200 pictures. I even had to buy a special outfit just for the occasion. I am sure that once Owen gets older he is going to be so upset with me for taking pictures of him every three minutes. I just can't seem to help myself. He is way too cute.


Although my hands are still a little cramped and I smell like pumpkin, I had a lot of fun spending time with my family and carving pumpkins with Owen. It was really hard to put on a smile and prepare for Halloween without Bryan, but I knew that it was important to do with Owen. Bryan and I always loved decorating for the Holidays and spending time with our family, so I knew that that was something I had to continue doing with our son. I want to raise Owen just as Bryan and I had planned. He is going to be surrounded with love, family, and amazing traditions that have been influential throughout both of our childhoods. Bryan and I were so lucky to get such amazing families and I want Owen to be just as happy as his father and I were. He is going to be one loved and spoiled little boy.